Lil' Kim: Women Covering For Scumbag Men

Note: I chose this photo on purpose. This is the image Lil' Kim has in the hip-hop world.

I get so tired of this story. Tired. Tired. Tired. Tired.

Women covering for the bad deeds of the men in their lives always fascinates me. I just read the book He's Just Not in to You. Two thumbs way up! A few friends have read it, who really need the message, but they refuse to get it. Dr. Phil's rants and Dr. Laura's diatribes often focus on the people want to remain in their stinkin' thinkin' and keep creating the problems they profess to want to avoid.

Why? And why women moreso than men? A study showed that 80% of men divorce women alcoholics within one year of the disorder coming to light. They don't take responsibility for it, nor do they try to "fix it". By contrast only 20% of women divorce men alcoholics--ever.

People say that it is economical--women with children are fearful for their families. But that hasn't been our experience in practice. You would be stunned to know how many women work and support the family and receive the abuse and allow their children to be abused by the man who lazes around home while controlling the finances that his wife works so hard to make!

There is a trait uniquely (some) female, the "let me change him" or "people just don't see the man I see" or "he's so hot, I'll ignore the fact that he beats me".

My theory is that women ignore the little signs in the beginning. Jealous (insecurity) behavior is viewed as protective. Controlling behavior is viewed as take charge. Words are valued more than actions (he says he loves me--after the smackdown).

Friends of the increasingly isolated girl (he just loves to spend time together, isn't he romantic?) worry about her personality change. She finds herself massaging the truth--rationalizing increasingly weird behavior. All of a sudden, she has committed to her decision often after alienating those who care for her. Her friends are sick of her lies, evasions, broken promises and distance themselves from her.

She is alone. It is of her own making. What an idiot I am, she thinks in rare bursts of self-awareness. Her man confirms this. He has contempt for her, of course, because how can you respect someone who has so little respect for themselves that they take all kind of garbage and then defend it?

A woman in this position has a choice: she can either persist in the insanity, convincing herself that things will change, that he really loves her (and he really might, but he also has other serious problems), that he's the father of her children (rhapsodizing internally about the importance of fathers--nevermind that he's a wackjob sperm donor. No loving man hits his woman or degrades the mother of his kids.), that marriage is forever, that she can't make it otherwise, blah, blah, blah. Her rationalizations cover her embarassment for not being able to see what others so clearly saw. She stays to protect her pride as much as to protect her relationship with him. Witness Whitney Houston: she will die before she admits that Bobby Brown is a no-good, piece of crap that has used and abused her for his own gain. "F-you world!" her actions shout, "I will prove you wrong! and stand by my man!!!!"

Or a woman can repent. Repentence means change. It means owning the decision to stay and owning the decision to go. It means taking responsibility for her actions--not for the abuse. A fascinating thing happens: a woman will fail to hold the man responsible for his actions even while recovering from the bruises, or affairs, or word spears. She will say internally "if I had only done (fill in the blank) he would...." When someone lets another person off the hook for bad behavior, often that is a way of letting themselves off the hook for bad behavior. "Well I've done bad things, too. People should just be more forgiving and less judgemental."

In order to change her life, a woman must take responsibility for staying when she could have chosen to go. It can mean letting go of the rebellion associated with staying with a man such as this. Plenty of women vicariously live through their anti-social man's behavior. They secretly relish when the husband tells off the mom or dad or sister or friend who has "meddled" and "always thinks they know how my life should go. Finally!" she tells herself, "someone stands up for me!" Her healing won't come until she views herself as a powerful person who must stand up for herself. Her husband/boyfriend must also stand up for himself. He must hold himself accountable. She can't change him.

NO ONE CAN CHANGE ANYBODY. Even Jesus can only change your heart if you let Him in. You must choose. You must ask. You must seek. You must knock. Free will. It is a beautiful thing.

For too many women, their first act of rebellion is hooking up with a bad boy. You find the equivalent in men who enlist in the Army to spit in their parents eye: "no one is going to tell me what to do!" These actions fall into the category of "jumping from the frying pan into the fire."

Here's my problem with portraying Lil' Kim or any other woman as a victim: as long as she views herself that way, she has no hope of changing her situation. She is helpless? Who can help her? The state? Her family? Ultimately, even if the state puts a crazy man behind bars with the forced prosecution (which I think is a good idea, by the way, because it is a crime--you wouldn't ask a bank if they are pressing charges after they were robbed, would you? You'd just prosecute the criminal.), the woman can still find someone to fill her need for adrenalin, control, rebellion, whatever.

No, ultimately, the woman has to decide that she steers her ship. Yes, this is challenging! Lounging in the passenger seat can be such fun! No responsibility for which direction the car goes but plenty of time to critique the path. While taking the wheel can be scary, it is also exhilterating!

What can be even more exhilerating is joining with a man who also takes responsibility for his life. Who resists the temptation to blame, who chooses his life. Together, these proactive, responsible (able to respond) people form a powerful team. But this partnership doesn't come cheap. A lot of work to learn mature emotional responses, to leave behind the mean and cheap putdowns that can feel so good to say but do horrible long-term harm, to admit that there might be another way to try something, to learn to compromise decisions without compromising the essential self--all these skills can be learned.

A lifetime pattern of unhelpful beliefs can be let go and replaced. It is worthy work. The rewards are huge. Perhaps Lil' Kim will do this work in prison. Yolanda Young said in the USA Today Editorial that "Lil' Kim was in prison long before the judge brought down the gavel." That's true, but probably not in the way, Ms. Young meant. Lil' Kim was in a prison of her own making. If she discovers this, then she will be free. For whatever we make, we can unmake too. That is called freedom.