Osama Bin Laden's Mother is Worried Sick About Him

America's "finest news source" The Onion reports that Osama Bin Laden's mother is worried sick about her famous son:

Saying "it's a mother's right" to know her child's whereabouts, al-Attas admitted the only time her mind is put at ease is when her son occasionally checks in with acts of terror such as the Bali nightclub bombing, the Madrid train bombings, and last year's London subway attacks. "I wish [Osama] would understand the pain he causes me, the worry," al-Attas said. "Doesn't he know that his actions can affect others?"

"For his dear mother's sake, I wish he'd carry out an attack," al-Attas continued. "Just so I know he's all right."