Global Warming: "It's A Moral Issue"--UPDATED, More Updates Scroll Down

Update Note: This material is almost impossible to parody. There is no extreme too extreme when reading these philosophies.
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Ah, it is so very loverly when leftist progressives speak in hushed passionate tones and wax religious about moral strictures meant for the little people. At the Academy Awards last night, I didn't have to worry about missing church, the whole evening was one long (boring) sermon. To give credit where credit is due: these people do know how to dress for Gaia. She must be so honored by their opulent devotion.

In case anyone has been confused by the secular humanist dogma, Evangelist Gore clarified, "Global Warming isn't a political issue. It's a moral one." Let me reiterate the commandments for you:

1. Thou shalt not believe in God but shall believe in Gaia and have no other gods before Her. She is the Goddess who brought you from the earth.*
   
2. Thou shalt worship Gaia in all her forms: Trees, animals, plants. Thou shalt be a vegetarian or better, a vegan, to prove thou devote thou's life to Gaia and shall recycle, reuse and renew and stop producing carbon (die) or else be smitten by Gaia's global warming and die anyway.
   
3. Thou shalt not question Gaia's scientific dogma. Gaia will punish dissent and reward (with government money) adherents.
   
4. Remember Earth Day and keep it holy. Every day is earth day
5. Honor Al Gore and your betters, that your days may be long upon the land they allow you to till lest the collective seize what's yours for the greater good.
   
6. Thou shalt not "murder" a mother's life by making her carry a fetus that proves inconvenient. Abortion is moral. Thou shalt abort every fetus that is imperfect to minimize Gaia's resources spent on genetically "unpreferred" life-forms unless the "unpreferred" is homosexual which is actually good for Gaia as less resources will be consumed because no progeny will result.
7. Thou shalt engage in any kind of sexual relations, at any age, with any one as long as one uses the holy sacrament: the condom. All choices are absolved with condoms.
8. Thou shalt steal from those who have more than you because it is not fair and shalt call it progressive taxation. Rich people are evil and must be stopped.
9. Thou shalt lie, slander and obfuscate in order to serve the greater good. Most people don't know what is good for them and must be taught the "truth" even if lies must be told to do it.
10. Thy neighbor's house is thine house, thy neighbor's wife and husband is thine, thy neighbor's anything-you-want is thine. No need to covet. Take what is thine and enjoy!

Please note that their are caveats, sub-rules, regulations and various legal minutiae that must be followed in order to please Gaia and her faithful overlords. It is nearly impossible to comply with all the rules, the rules change and the rules are completely at whim of said overlords. It is your job to comply anyway and please thine masters.

Subsections include but are not limited to:

• Electric cars--going further on less
  
• Alternative energy sources that do not obscure one's ocean view
• The morality of jumbo/private jets
• Mandatory vaccinations for future sexy ladies
  
• Pornography benefits to women and children
  
• Tax shelters outside the US of A for the betters
• Second hand smoke
• No guns for Gaia
• Family size (managing one child around career obligations)
• Abortion as birth control, on demand
  
• Designer babies
• Polygamy: the new family choice
  
• Fake fur
• Black is better: how racial preferences make equality
  
• Illegal aliens are neither illegal nor alien, border security is evil
• Rationalizing energy usage in 20,000 s.f. mansions
• Rationalizing watering lawns in deserts for the greater good
• Living on trusts and never paying taxes
• Rules for man-boy love
• Womynly superiority
  
• Divorce good for everyone
• Against ageism, racism, obesism, misogynism, everything but orgasms
• Eliminating violent, ground-acquisition sports
  
• Eliminating young, rich, white, privileged males on college campuses
• Eliminating old, white, paternalistic, literary has-beens on college campuses
• Eliminating war and valuing the loving hearts of all people, including Islamofascist terrorists, except neo-con fascist, rethugligan bushmchimpyhaliburtan fxxkers who pollute Gaia and must be eliminated

There are more rules. The list is very, very long. But you get the idea. I'll add links to this later, but for now, bask in the glory that is Gaia.

Update II: More on Evangelist Gore's Gaia abuse and defense of said abuse. Gaia does like the bad boys. Captain Ed calls him the Goracle and says:

Okay, before we start really throwing the hypocrisy label at The Goracle of Global Warming, we should take care not to hit ourselves with it first. Most CQ readers are free-market thinkers. There's nothing wrong with Gore using that kind of energy if he's willing to pay for it. A mansion would use a lot more energy than a normal single-family dwelling; I'm sure that Bill Gates' electrical bills dwarf what Gore's paying for his Tennessee juice. My objection to his level of consumption would only be that he's driving prices up with his large demand.

That being said, the fact that his energy use increased so dramatically after the release of his documentary makes him look a little ridiculous. After all, he's on the road more now, and energy use should decrease, although his family may not travel with him much. Besides, as we saw at the Oscars last night, Gore wants the rest of us to downsize and conserve rather than just treat energy like any other market -- and Gore is obviously not doing that for himself.

Also, as Glenn Reynolds points out, you don't have to care about global warming to be against burning fossil fuels. Or from my perspective: you don't have to make environmentalism and global warming a religion to care for the environment. And just to be clear, I do care about the environment and want to have clean air, water, for all. I eat organic and try to consume less energy (though I do love my SUV). It's the celebrity pious holier-than-thouness while hardly practicing the religious tenets themselves, that irritates me.

Update III: The Anchoress gets in on the act and points out the person who IS friendly to the environment. You'll never guess, so I'll just tell you: President Bush. His ranch in Crawford is a model for all people. The Anchoress writes The Goracle's response:

There, you stupid right-wingers - Gore has bought his indulgences, so his soul is green and pristine and he will still go to ecology heaven. Whew. Thank goodness! Now the rest of you, just buy your indulgences and you can pollute all you want - it all evens out! Can’t you figure that out, yet? And that means, btw, that really is no emergency, after all. But there are good things you can and probably should do. And if you don’t start doing them soon…you’ll be made to.

She also says:

If the information on Gore’s usage is true, I take a page from others who say Gore can use all the energy he can afford to pay for. If it’s not, we’ll soon know (See Gore’s response in the Update). But my concern isn’t how much the fella uses; I don’t buy into the whole “sky is falling” narrative, so I don’t care…what I am more interested in is the enduring double-standard of the press and the left.

I think it’s an amusing double-standard. Gore gasses away about the environment while he and his friends use private jets to go from huge, air-conditioned home to home, and he is heaped with accolades and good press, while Bush says little about the environment but lives the green-creed in Midland and gets only negative press. On every issue.

Amen, Sister Anchoress and we don't even go to church together. Ha!

Update IV: And don't forget, this isn't about money, it's about Gaia! USA Today headline blares Scientists to UN: "Tens of Billions" Needed to Combat Global Warming!!

Update V: There are even heretics to the Global Warming Gaia Religion.