How To Improve Faith Hill In 11 Easy Steps

Everyone knows that photos on the covers of women's (and men's) magazines are Photo-shopped into angelically beautiful loveliness. What I couldn't imagine this: the editors being so cruel about the image of one of the most naturally beautiful almost-40-year-old American women: Faith Hill. Here's just a taste of the viciousness:

1. SCALP: You know what we need here? Some more frickin hair. Please, we could practically reuse her to illustrate one of those perennial female pattern baldness pieces. HELLO, did she not get the message that extensions are the new earrings? Take it from Lauryn Hill, white bitches INVENTED the weave, just like Koreans invented fake nails. And speaking of, Faith: nice manicure! For me to poop on!!

2. CROWS FEET: What's this under those eyes? Blanche? Dorothy? Jesus Christ, we'll try to get you overtime for this shit.

3. THOSE CHEEKS: What exactly do you think she's hoarding in there? Snacks to get her through Ramadan? And boy could bitch take a little time out on that deviated septum...

4. OMG THAT EARLOBE: This is a personal one, since no one will probably be able to tell once it hits the cover, but please do some work on that hideous earlobe of hers for me and ixnay on the fucking MOLE. Lasers were invented for a reason, lady!

5. NECK: I feel bad about hers.

6. LIPS: More lines! Ugh: What's this bitch do, move her mouth into unflattering positions for a living?

And here's the graphic that demonstrates the before and after. I like the before better. Good grief! The woman is gorgeous and accomplished and she is treated with this disrespect? (And no, I don't agree with her politics and yes, I believe she was shocked and angry that she didn't win the dumb award that went Carrie Underwood's way and yes, it's alarming that I know these things.)

These magazines are just sado-masochism in cellophane wrappers. Why do women buy this crap?