Beowulf: There Are No Heroes

We have firmly established that I am a hard-core, socially awkward, fantasy-reading,, sci-fi watching nerd. Just wanted to remind you of that while reviewing the movie Beowulf.

Beowulf, oh ye of firm, round, hairless buttocks and impressive, um, courage! This movie strikes me as a satire of all monster v. man films out there rather than a serious treatment of the epic poem. I giggled throughout. Most of the rest of the audience didn't seem to get the joke.

Everything, and I mean, everything was enhanced in this remarkable cartoon. It was a cartoon. While the characters looked and sounded like Angelina Jolie (naked and gold), Anthony Hopkins (bloated and bulked up) and Ray Winstone (ripped and taut), they were cartoons. Thus, the raters of the movie deemed the fake boobs and butts acceptable for children. I would NOT bring any child under fifteen to this movie, but I'm strict.

If you're going to fully appreciate the spectacle, see this movie in 3D. You want to be blood-spattered and oozed on, if possible, otherwise it's not worth it, right? Grendel is hideous beyond all measure. I caught myself examining his skinned arms, filleted jaw, and disfigured head. But even that turned funny. He was like a puss-filled Gollum from the Lord of the Rings.

The emotions conveyed by the animation lacked humanness. They seemed to focus more on Beowulf's facial ticks and features and he felt the most "real". Otherwise, the entire picture was an experience, much like the movie 300. There was little emotional engagement. In fact, the movie reminded me of Moulin Rouge and even Chicago to a lesser extent or going to a Cirque du Soleil show, where the story is the spectacle. There is no narrative.

Modern writers eschew a plot for fear it will turn off the masses. It is either the experience (300) or to be preached at incessantly (Lions for Lambs, Happy Feet). Can't a movie have an engaging story where a hero clearly wins? Oh wait, I remember. There are no heroes.

My only "deep thought" associated with this film came during the very last scene. I leaned over to ask my husband if men, were indeed, so easily mislead. He said yes, but I thought that conclusion to be rather misandric. Surely men exist who wouldn't be tempted by the likes of a naked demon Angelina Jolie purring false promises destined to be eternal torment.

Was the joke on Ms. Jolie and Mr. Pitt or was the joke on us? I bet the latter. The movie should be categorized as a comedy.