Sleep Right

Sometimes I harken back to the good old days with misty-eyed nostolgia for what could still be. For example, why did we ever get rid of the Pony Express? No one has that much to say that is so insightful that it can't wait a month or two to say it. In fact, all the blabbering dullards with cell phones perpetually plastered to their auricular orifices would have to pause and consider the price of expressing every stupid thought that pops into their heads with The Pony Express.

Along the same lines of sentimentality, who decided that it was a good idea for married couples to share a bedroom, a bed and a bathroom? I mean, isn't enough that one must live F-O-R-E-V-E-R with the same person, watch them grow old and pretend not to see said person clipping his or her toenails for eternity?

Ahhhh, but that last one, could be avoided if only....

The list of inconveniences regarding too much personal space sharing is long:

• One person wants to read late, the light is on, the other person lays irritated as heck
• One person wants to eat pork and beans breakfast, lunch, and dinner and the poor spouse must endure spontaneous combustuous eruptions all night long
• One spouse received the genetic misfortune of a floppy soft palate that flaps and causes window-rattling snores, the other spouse must suck it up for love
• One spouse gets home late from work and makes more noise than a bull moose in mating season trying to get to the closet in the dark
• One spouse experiences restless leg syndrome, hot flashes, adenoid clearings and the other spouse must feel and hear it all
• One spouse thinks that "putting away" clothes means dropping it on the floor, the bed, and rarely the hamper
• One spouse unwinds to the TV the other spouse believes TV is of the devil

You see the pattern here?

Separate sleeping, dressing and hygiene quarters solves soooo many problems. You want your laundry done? Do it. You want a clean bathroom? Clean it. You want to stay up 'til 2 a.m.? Fine, disrupt your own sleep. You want to fart a blue streak? You smell it.

So many romantics (most with secretly crappy marriages, I'll venture to guess) will wax elephant about cuddling, snuggling, and intimacy. Pish posh! Canoodling ends precisely two minutes after the dirty deed is done and lasts for two minutes before the hubby "feels out" if "it" is going to happen. If it's a negatory, guess what? All coziness ends and snoring commences.

Conjugal visits can be arranged. Conversational interludes can be scheduled into Blackberries.

In the olden days, marriage was a contract that included fidiciary duty and conjugal dues. Friendship was a plus. Companionship a bonus. Love a blessing.

And even if you had all that, you still didn't have to share your bed without an invitation, your bedroom without a knock on the door, and good heavens...never your bathroom.

Futurist Faith Popcorn predicted "nesting" (staying instead of going out), I predict married couples cohabitating independently. (And happier, too.)

Oh, come on! It already happens anyway: parents split up for baby care so at least someone gets sleep, menopausal women flash hot and cold and need their own comfort zone, gadget-addicted men fall asleep in the barcolounger or in the guest bedroom.

Why not bring married people out of the closet, er bedroom? Imagine a world where there are two individually decorated master bedrooms joined by a sitting room where couples may converse before retiring to their own spaces for peaceful slumber? It's going that way with his and hers closets, his and her sleep numbers, and more recently his and her bathrooms and now with both husband and wife working, his and her offices.

Let's go the logical next step: Sleep in peace in his or her bedrooms. Adorn your room your way. Sleep when you want. Share only what can't be had alone and keep your space...your own.

Most of us grow up sharing a bedroom with a noisy, smelly sister or brother, graduate to bothersome college roommates and long for the day when we have our own space. Then we get married and jump right back into the offending situation. Why? Because of cultural norms.

Times change. Cultures advance. Sometimes cultures slip up. One bedroom for two grown adults just may be one advance too many. What's old is new again! Sleep in your own bedroom and be on the cutting edge of a new revolution.