Thursday, June 15, 2006

Bitchy Women: Do Men Love These Ladies More?

A Qualified Yes. I object to the term "bitchy". Why can't the word confident, smart, fair-minded, or a combination of the words be used when describing a proposal-worthy woman?

Dr. Helen posted about this topic. She says:

Apparently, the author of this tall tale seems to think that women who cater to a man's every need and do everything a man tells them to do are the norm. Does anyone out there even know of such a woman who really truly puts everyone else's needs before her own, brings a guy beer in lingerie and does not think she is worthy of touching the hemline of her man's pants? Honestly, I don't and have never met a woman like that.
Really? I have and most of them end up divorced or seething with rage until death does them part. Here are a couple common scenarios where the Catering Wife role rears it's ugly head:

  1. Daddy + Little Girl Marriage--This relationship started with a woman who wanted to be "taken care of" and surrendered her soul to have the Daddy need met. Acting like a perpetual moron so as not challenge hubby's fragile ego, she runs around trying to keep Daddy happy. The end result is often that Daddy feels tons of pressure because he is the only decision maker and must have all the answers and Little Girl feels resentful because she is never respected as an equal partner. The upside for her? She can blame him for every crappy situation in her life. The upside for him? Total control.
  2. Broken Equipment + Fixer Marriage--This relationship (and this can go both ways, but for the sake of the article and argument the Man is the Broken Equipment) consists of a "Broken" man and the woman on a mission to fix him. He is misunderstood--only she "gets" him. He has had it rough--only she can smooth things out. He has anger problems or drinking problems or porn problems or gambling problems or women problems (his ex is always a raving Bitch or unloving or didn't meet his needs, or didn't show him love like he needed to be loved, blah, blah, blah) that are the world's fault and The Fixer knows just the antedote to his poison. She is all-powerful even when she's abused. The upside for him? He has someone to pick up all the pieces, to kick when he's down and to run things while he checks out. The upside for her? Perpetual moral superiority.
  3. Baby Boy + Mommy Marriage--This is the inverse of the first relationship. Mommy takes care of everything because Baby can't. She cleans up after him. She cooks. She goes to work when he can't/won't find a job. She is forever excusing him. He sits around oblivious to the dirty toilets, laundery, etc. He transferred from a domineering mother to Mommy Wife. When he does work, he comes home late. He avoids. She fills in. Every once in a while she blows a gasket, but then she retreats. She enjoys the control too much. The house is her way. The children are her way. Baby Boy rebels sometimes and comes home with custom golf clubs or a new boat that they can't afford or something else to suit his whims, but since "boys will be boys" Mommy just rolls her eyes, rolls up her sleeves and gets to work. The upside for him? Can you think of a downside besides zero self-respect? The upside for her? Total control.
There are more relationships like this. I can think of many, many relationships where the woman runs around like some kind of crazed headless chicken trying to "make it right". Perhaps Dr. Helen hasn't seen it because she and her husband run in educated, double-income circles where woman don't cow-tow because they don't have to. But in the "traditional" (ala 50's Housewives) relationships I see, lots of women read way too many Christian books that fill their minds with proof-texted Biblical drivel who believe their husbands will stop their nefarious behavior if only they would submit in the proper way.

Here are some interesting signs that predict these dysfunctional relationships:
  1. Physical contact and sex too soon. Invariably, the woman puts out because "men just are that way", "he'll feel obligated and then he won't leave", men don't "want to wait", "he won't stay with me if I make him wait", "it doesn't matter anyway", "I'm horny", etc. The bottom line, and this is going to sound VERY anti-feminist, is the woman has sex for all the wrong reasons. She is either manipulating him to keep him around, she has zero self-respect, or she has a pessimisstic belief that there are no good men so who gives a sxxt.
  2. Using intimate language too soon. These people go from nothin' to somethin' in no time flat. The woman uses the word "love", "marriage", "relationship", "boyfriend" after the first three dates. It's stupid. Trying to create passion and romance and whirlwind they create panic and sex and confusion and believe it to be "real".
  3. Stupid fights. The women in these relationships will get angry over his "sports" or "friends" or "work" and ignore core character issues like laziness, aggressiveness, jealousy, angry outbursts, etc.
  4. Willfull ignorance. When the man buys an extravagent piece of jewelry that he can't afford (often at her encouragement) she will be swept away with the magic and ignore the fact that he's bad with money. When he threatens to beat up the guy who looks at her lustily she is overwhelmed by his chivilry and ignores his scary temper. When he calls over and over when she has activities but never calls when he is away or with friends or working late, she views his calling as "he cares" and ignores his selective and suspicious behavior.
Women trying to do everything for their man rarely do it for such sweet and light reasons, even though the book couches this behavior in those terms. I know, I know, women are socialized to be pleasers, to be caretakers, to kiss the boo-boo and they are genetically more inclined to the nurturing behavior, too, but that is not what is going on with their relationships with men.

Water seeks it's own level. I find it fascinating the men and women who will opine that "there are no good men/women out there." Really? I've never had a shortage of good men in my life. I love men. Real men. Good men. Strong men. Smart men. Respectful men. I'm married to a good man. My friends are good men. Bad men get on my nerves. I don't hang out with them. They are boring, dangerous and life is short. Who needs the trouble?

These men and women who proclaim things like some of Dr. Helen's readers did:

Men don't pay prostitutes for sex. We pay them to leave afterwards. The sexual liberation cat has been out of the bag for too long. More and more men (like myself) have figured this out and see no reason to get married. The way many women act nowadays, can't even stand to be around them.

I can't even begin to understand why any man in his right mind would want most American women today. There just isn't enough feminine, level headed woman around anymore. The good looking smart ones may be out there, but I'll be dammned if I ever met one.

I've been to all sorts of places in all types of countries, on deployment and leave. When I go to most non westernized countries, boy its like heaven. The women are feminin, attractive, dress nice and respectful (far more often than western) women. (Yes I've been to Bangkok and seen the dart show, no that is not what I'm talking about here).

The girl I've kind of been seeing on and off (I spend most of my time OCONUS) doesn't know how to cook (do grilled cheeses count?), is messy, doesn't enjoy wearing attractive clothing - she is a nice person that I like being around, but marriage material? No f'n way!

She is typical of the overall quality of young woman today (I've just turned 30 and usually date women my age and a few years younger) and like the last few girlfriends - just somone I hang out with, see a movie and have sex with.

Since I have a 50% date pay policy, keep my place clean and cook or eat at the chow hall - there is no need for a guy like me to get married. There is just far too much to loose. I have no pressing need for to make myself liable by signing a contrat; a contract that could destroy my lifelong earning potential should she simply become "unhappy". Oh, and woe if you got kids.

F' Marriage in the US. Too many lawyers making too much money from it.

More and more men realize this now. Is it good for society? No, it is going to continue to get worse and mess things up on a macro scale.

But don't blame men for it, we just do what men do best - make the best out of a bad situation and deal with it.

She did everything. All the cooking, cleaning, yard work, you name it and even bringing home the paycheck. He ostensibly had a back injury and couldn't work. Thus he sat home all day and did nothing but watch television.

When she was home - he wanted everything "just so", dinner at a certain time, the house cleaned a certain way. Then he would call her to go get him a beer from the kitchen, no matter what she was doing or where she was in the house.

He was perfectly capable of taking care of himself - as far as I could tell, he walked and talked and performed his daily living activities just fine. Why she stayed? I have no idea. I would have walked out the door. Her choice and I still don't understand it.
The people in these relationships are there because it WORKS for them. Men and women attract people who are like them, like it or not. Men who only see Bitchy women or Whiney Women or The Mommy or The Little Girl or The Fixer see them because that lense is what defines their world view. Women who figure all men need fixing, coddling, babying find Fixer-Upers, Incompetents and Babies.

Women who lack confidence become human pretzels and feel even worse in a relationship than when they are alone. Some overcompensate and become insufferable witches because "no ones going to dis' me again". Bah. Both extremes reveal weakness.


Anonymous said...

great post!

Mike said...

Is it a good post? Yes and no. A few conversations with therapists would give you this kind of insight. It is easy to catagorize people and put them in a box. In my profession I see a lot of "good" men and women who are in difficult relationships that are never so clear cut and are multi-dimensional. I would not be of service to them if I labled them and beat them down with my "insightful and arrogant observations". It seems to me, a better way to write about these difficult matters is a more "solution based approach" - that is of course if you are really interested in helping people with your blog. If not, you've accomplished your task.

Dr. Melissa said...

Blog topics are theoretical, real life problems are real and yes, require a different approach.

The article and book it is based on, is itself an oversimplification: Do men prefer Bitchy women? The answer, according to the book, the article, Dr. Helen (who also objects to the B-word) and me is a [define bitchy, qualified] "yes".

I presented oversimplified, non-specific examples that supported my "yes".

Unknown said...

Dr. Melissa,

I thought your blog was very smart and well written. I have played some of these roles in my life and the truth of the generalizations were spot on. You inspired me to make better choices in the future. Thank you and as far as what Mike said: you are doing a great job and you are helping people.