Monday, August 07, 2006

Scott Adams & His Johnson & Disney Cruises, Ahoy!

For men with grabby underpants, Scott Adams (Dilbert dude) gives a readjustment tutorial in airports, surrounded by strangers, waiting to board a plane that will take you to a Disney cruise. (Like that transition? Yeah, me too.) He then describes a lovely vacation trying to keep various and sundry family members happy on a Disney Cruise.

Did I mention that against my better judgement we will be taking an inter-generational Disney Cruise, yeah, verrily the same one Mr. Adams subjected himself to, sometime in the near future? Here is how I believe my trip will go:

Several of us have difficult preferences to satisfy. For example, I can’t be in the sun for more than ten seconds without bursting into flames. I fall sound asleep in any darkened theater. I’m a vegetarian, I require shaded temperatures between 68 and 75 degrees and continuous access to the Internet. Now throw the other seven freaks of nature into the equation and try to optimize everyone’s happiness without generating a slap fight. It can’t be done.

Just to make things extra interesting, our 6-year old is terrified of costumed characters, and the ship is full of them. He decided that Goofy and Pluto weren’t so bad, being dogs. But Mickey, Minnie, Chip and Dale are huge rodents on helium. You never really know if they plan to hug you or disembowel you. It’s anyone’s guess.

Now add to the mix my 79-year old Dad who can’t walk more than 100 yards because of a recent bum leg, and you start to get a sense of how hard it is to optimize the joy of eight humans faced with dozens of ever-changing potential activities. Do you make the vegetarian go to the barbecue or make the gimp do the walking tour? Should we take the 6-year old to certain death at the hands of giant chipmunks or take grandma to the bikini beach? Someone has to lose.

It's not a stretch to say that my expectations are pretty low.

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