Thursday, April 10, 2008

Mullah Melissa Issues Some Fatwas

In Melissa's Perfect World, a Fatwa would be issued. In fact, like a good Mullah, many Fatwas would be ordered because many wrongs need to be righted. I mean what kind of Mullah would I be, hell, what kind of Grand Ayatollah would I be, if I didn't order copious edicts of magnificent importance? I know, right? So I have to get to work. I'll start with my personal pain and anguish, because like a Mullah who's a wife-short, my pain is paramount:

1. Henceforth, I decree that Allah hates all multi-headed zits and they shall be banished. In particular, zits that decide to reside along the border of the lower lip and the skin of the chin shall receive especially harsh punishment. Namely, excruciating bombing missions that destroy the invaders at the roots.

2. Egregious taxes (and all taxes are egregious) are a sin. In the future, all illegal immigrants will be forced to give all of their money as a tribute for having the privilege of having feet on this holy soil. Violators will be placed in super special sling shots and given a quick and efficient flight over the Rio Grande. Plus, I won't have to pay taxes anymore. That's what's really important. Mullahs ride camels and snort derisively at modern trappings of materialism like Mercedes.

3. Slow driving rises as stench to the nostrils of Allah. People who putt-putt on any street may legally be pushed out of the way, preferably by a gas-guzzling SUV.

4. Allah hates excessive hair. Lasering, plucking, sugaring, waxing, shaving will no longer be necessary. By fiat and Fatwa, hair will grow in the exact right places and eyebrows will magically be shaped according to the current style. Ditto bikini line hair. All men will be given perfect hair cuts. Even Simon Cowell.

5. Customer service representatives shall all die by order of Fatwa 5. Companies must get service right in the first place, so says Allah, the great and merciful, and therefore customer services representatives are moot.

6. Blog trolls consume Allah with zealous wrath and in His righteous anger He shall stomp them to death with stilettos. Ditto spammers. Ditto people who forward chain letters.

7. Whining instead of forming words and cogent thoughts shall be banished to hell with Mary Poppins. Until such time as whiner is reformed and/or grows up beyond age five, developmentally, whining is punishable by repeated lashings at the hands of Mary Poppins.

More decrees will be forthcoming. Mullah Melissa is too busy folding ten loads of laundry to continue at the moment, but feel free to add your own.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Melissa, this is hilarious and I needed that laugh! :-) I totally could relate to the hair thing. My children call me a little monkey because I have such hairy arms. Sometimes, just to gross them out and get a laugh, I twist the hairs on my arms together so they stand up like little swords.

Please keep me in your prayers since I have injured my back very badly. I am in a lot of pain and am hardly able to walk, sit or lie down. ~vj

doctorfixit said...

Busybodies are an affront to the Holy One, and henceforth anyone who claims their motive is "to make the world a better place" will be assigned to scribe unto eternity the phrase "I will seek only to improve myself, and I will leave to Allah the perfecting of His Creation".

Melissa Clouthier said...

Dr. Fixit,

Okay, you have me laughing. And I presume that goes for you, too? I mean your name is "doctorfixit". Healing thyself will become the first order of business, no doubt.

Heck, we better stop blogging. Blogging is just being a busy body professional!

Rorschach said...

Somehow I suspect lawyers, politicians, liberals, and criminals (but I repeat myself) need to be included in these fatwas as well.

sandy said...

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