Authentic Life

"If I'm really myself no one will like me."

This belief thwarts so many people on their road to happiness. Well intentioned people choose careers to please parents, chose spouses because it seems like the "right time" or "he's a nice enough person" or fill-in-the-blank reason, choose all kinds of things for all the wrong reasons.

What if you were not held by any supposed constraints and did exactly what you wanted? What would you do? What would you say? What friendships would you pursue? What friendships would you leave behind? Where would you live? What would you believe? How would you act?

What if I told you that the only constraints upon your life are the ones you are making?

It is a true statement, whether you believe it or not. Oh, it is convenient to blame the boss, blame the wife, blame the in-laws, blame your race, sex, age, education level, cultural upbringing, religion, society, and mom, always mom, for the current state of your state of affairs. The only problem? Those things are external to you--which is precisely why we blame.

There is always a pay-off for every decision we make.

This statement is also true, whether you believe it or not. Choosing to staying in the job, to avoid fights with the wife, choosing to knuckle under to the in-laws, choosing to define yourself as what you perceive the world defines you (by your looks, money, occupation, culture, religion, gender, marital status, sexuality, whatever) pays off some how, otherwise, why do it?

We always make choices that feel safe and ensure survival even when the choices don't make sense.

The body will not allow you to do something unless it helps support it and take care of it. It's true. Somehow, you feel more safe in certain crazy situations. Perhaps the abusive in-laws work because you grew up in an abusive family--you might not like the abuse but you know the abuse and can deal with the abuse.

The body strives for homeostasis and new things causing change disrupt homeostasis.

So, while it might seem that you've gotten yourself into a strangely familiar terrible situation yet again, changing to a different situation requires a disruption. The body does not like a disruption--even one that is good for you. But to get to where we want to go we must disrupt, change and choose a new way.

Don't underestimate the desire for sameness as a major factor interfering with authenticy and the true happiness that comes from being authentic. Don't underestimate the other forces in your life that desire your sameness either.

When you change, you change your system--the system must change in order to keep you in it.

Some systems will rebel. The kids and hubby may have a fit if you say, "Okay folks, you'll have to fend for yourself on Thursdays, I'm taking the painting class I want."

Oh well. If you are feeling conflicted, ask yourself: is this new, authentic choice loving? Some might argue that the loving thing to do is to cook a meal on Thursday night for the fam. Others might argue that by bending to everyone elses' needs all the time, you're teaching your children to also live inauthentic lives, teaching them that their happiness depends on you, rather than themselves. Is this the belief you want to convey to your children?

Authenticity requires clarity. Who am I? What do I want? Why do I want it? It is soooo easy to say, "I don't want this. I don't want that." The negative is much easier to define than the positive. But the negative is essentially playing "life defense". You end up never making positive points--you just try to run away from short-term difficulty.

Authentic living frees you to use your talents. Why are you concerned about being judged by people? Why aren't you concerned about what God will say about how you used your time and talents while on this earth?

Wouldn't you like to be one of those brave people who walk through life utterly committed to your purpose? I know I would. I'm still working on it, but it is a worthy goal.