Nude James Bond

You know, the feminist in me riles at Vanity Fair covers where two, young nubile women appear naked but the lone man is clothed. What message does that send? Well, we know what message that sends:

1. Sex sells
2. Beauty is lost on the young
3. A woman's worth is encapsulated in the size, shape and cellulite content of her bare arse

Fair is fair, feminists say. Where are the naked men? Tom Ford, take it off you hypocrite.

Except there is caveat here that no one really likes to admit. While seeing a woman naked is titillating to at least 50% of the population, and the human female form is admired artistically as the most perfect physical creation, naked men are not so....titillating--unless you're a gay man.

It's true. When the characters from the Pinot Noir Film Sideways go to retrieve a wallet left at a woman "friend's" house, her husband chases them down the street in the all-together. Far from feeling excited, most women laughed uproariously while men chuckled nervously.

While seeing Brad Pitt's and Orlando Bloom's muscular forms was n-i-c-e in Troy, if either had turned around. Aaaaack! No thank you. There are some things that are better mystically mysterious. Full-frontal male nudity is one of those things.

So we come to the new, blonde James Bond. If no one has said it yet, I will, "He is UGLY!" Forget naked, I don't even want to look at his face. The mountainous nose, the close-set eyes, the ruddy skin--leftovers from pubescent hormone imbalances all adds up to mega-yuck. Does this sound harsh? Yes, it is, but sheesh he's in the image business and James Bond is nothing if not all about image. The article linked to above says that he has taken criticism because he's not "tough enough". Ha! What? Tough? He looks craggy and tough enough to me, but so NOT hot.

The James Bond genre is a fantasy. He is hot. The babes are hot. The evil bad guy is a cartoon and sometimes even hot. Everything is alluded to, albeit not-so-subtly.

Not now, though. Oh no, in the first decade of the new millenium, realism has taken regrettable hold. We must see all. We must know all.

No doubt, there are some less-refined women and loads of gay men who will vehemently disagree with me, but that's just the point. Is Hollywood no longer interested in what the majority of the paying public like 'cuz it's not these few people, I can assure you.

Will I go see the latest James Bond film with Ugly Man? Probably not. Pierce Brosnan was nice. His wee bum in the art heist movie The Thomas Crown Affair was a lovely affair, but thank all that is good and decent that Tom didn't turn around.

Full frontal male nudity should be left where it belongs--in the dark, dank recesses of the Internet. Hollywood, please, spare us!