Elder Care

Not all members of "The Greatest Generation" are so great. I know that's blasphemy in some parts, but as Baby Boomers dealing with aging parents know, it's true. My family on both sides are cases in point.

Both sides of the family dealt with divorce and remarriage before the Boomers made it en vogue. The resulting mish-mosh lead to difficult financial decisions (one side of the kids paying, the other side saying "screw dad" which left the step-kids paying). In all cases, the husbands (the second and sometimes third ones) died first. In all cases, Boomer kids are taking care of parents either in their own home or at a near-by facility. In two cases the surviving mom had to be moved to another city. In one case, a child and wife moved to be near the mom.

None of these families have story-book histories. Abuse, alcohol, philandering, and all kinds of nonsense created disruptive home-lives for the kids (now middle-aged Boomers). So when mom was widowed and enfeebled, the kids thought, "hey, we can spend the twilight years together and make up for what we never had."

It's not happening.

In their aged years, these unhappy people are not suddenly sweet little old ladies. They're pissed. They are in a new town. They miss their friends. They have new doctors (in two cases their health is improving because the new doctors are taking them off unnecessary meds that their geriatric, life-long physicians had them on). They don't want to be told that they are healthy and well. And they are 1) screaming at their children in rage or 2) delivering silent treatments for days. In short, nothing has changed from the childhood years. Everyone is just older.

From a distance, I see romantic expectations on the part of the kids. (That isn't to say I could handle it any better. It is an emotionally excruciating place.) From a distance, I see parents who have lived narcissistic lives and continue to do so--adding that to the indignities and disruptions that the latest life-changing events have brought. Even ideal personalities with cozy family relationships would find these upheavals challenging. Layer on psychopathology, and it's miserable.

Why do I bring this up? Because while the Boomers care for their parents, most of them had intact families. My family is a generation ahead of itself and a warning for the future. With all the divorce and remarriage, kids are put in a real bind. An only child (remember the birthrate is 1.2) may have two sets of parents to care for himself--and what if he's married to another only child? On top of that, the emotion and disillusionment can be quite devastating for those trying to reconnect to parents who never really connected to begin with.

What's the answer? I don't know. Aging Boomers will pose diverse challenges economically and personally. Children will face caring for parents and step-parents who mistreated or neglected them. It's the step-parent thing that is even more problematic.

Legal resources here.