Tuesday, March 11, 2008

10 Things You Want To Do More and Are Actually Good For You

I dragged my sorry ass out of bed this morning, waking in the bleak blackness of frigging Daylight Savings Time (which I recall mentioning recently that I hate) to go on the obligatory crack o' dawn constitutional (and no, I don't mean well, you know, sheesh). It was good to get moving again after binging like a starved Beagle on Thin Mints, but I digress.

There are some things, like taking a walk, that are good for you but you have to force yourself to do because the payoff isn't immediate, necessarily, if there's a payoff at all. Some things, though, feel good every. single. time. you. do. them, and yet, you don't do them enough. And the question is, Why not? So today, I'm reminding you of some things you like doing that are good for you too.

A word of caution: Don't do all these things in one day. Too much of a good thing and all that. Wait, what am I saying? Too much of a good thing is a great thing!

1. Have Sex: If you're married, why aren't you getting laid at least three times a week? It's good and good for you. Watch this handy-dandy little slide show. Sex is good exercise. It's good for your heart. It eases pain and depression. It's just really, really good. Just do it!

2. Drink booze. Being a teetotaler is lame. I mean, have some fun. And while you're doing it, feel secure in the fact that you're boosting your antioxidants, killing bad bugs in your gut, helping your heart and other good things. Mmmmm....beer. And wine. And vodka.

3. Eat chocolate. Oh come on! Take the chocolate out of the locked cabinet and embrace your indulgent desires. The darker the chocolate, the better. Pissed off at your spouse? Eat chocolate. It lowers blood pressure and has antioxidants to boot. Oh, and it doesn't cause acne or tooth decay. So, those are myths. Enjoy dark chocolate guilt-free.

4. Watch funny movies. Yeah, you sit on your ass too much, but as long as you're drinking a beer, eating some chocolate and having sex while doing it, you're minimizing the laziness factory. While you sit there, why not watch a funny movie? Laughing boosts your immune system, exercises your diaphragm and abdominal muscles and jiggles around your innards. That's healthy. Not to mention, the feel-good hormones called endorphins flood your system and reduce pain and can reduce your risk of heart attacks.

5. Hang out with friends. You'll live longer. It's true. You could either sit on the internet watching your stock portfolio go down the shitter or you could go have a beer with some friends. Go hang out. Friends will promote many benefits--you'll likely have a drink, eat dessert, and laugh. And, you'll feel connected. Making new friends is great, too. And if you're stuck at home for some reason, meet people on-line. Contrary to popular belief, people who are social on the internet are social generally.

6. Sleep more. Most people don't sleep enough. You should be sleeping between 7-8 hours per night. Sleeping is when our body repairs. It rests the heart and rejuvenates the mind. I am completely convinced that some forms of depression, especially post-partum depression, are really forms of sleep deprivation.

7. Play video games. Hey, it's not all bad. Your brain gets sharper. You're laying down new neurological wiring. It can be fun and social...can be. It sharpens visual skills. The Wii can actually help physical fitness. So, get your game on, Guitar Hero!

8. Sing in the shower, the car, in your house, in a blouse. OK, getting a little crazy Dr. Suess there. Singing is fun and healthy. Singing exercises the lungs. It ups those endorphins and oxygenates the blood while slowing the heart rate. Plus, there's the payoff of embarrassing your kids. That's cool, too.

9. Go on vacation. A lot. Men, women who go on vacations are less tense, depressed and tired and report greater marital satisfaction. Ever hear "when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"? Well, your health will improve if you're not being stressed by a stressed-out wife, right? And men, skipping vacation is bad for your health. Men who don't take vacations suffer the highest death rate of any workers. You need a break!

10. Masturbate. Hey, if you can't have #1, at least go for #10. It's good in a pinch. (I'm sorry, I'm so punny.) Anyway, not only is it healthy (it can even prevent cancer!), but God wants you to masturbate.

Why are you denying yourself? Good health is yours for the taking.


Sister Honey Bunch said...

OK, I so want to see your google search terms of people coming to you after this booze fest masturabatory post.

Melissa Clouthier said...


First, love the haircut. Second, if you really want hits, including the word "spanking" in the title. That or include a random STD. I still get links from posts from a couple years ago.

Anonymous said...

The "morning constitutional" is a hoot! :-)

I love the chocolate advise since I am truly hooked on the Lindt Intense Orange dark chocolate. After this advice, there is no more guilt!!!

The sex advise is hilarious. Even if a person has sex every day, I can't see loosing weight doing that...unless of course you're chasing each other and playing Tarzan.

The masturbation link is super! There are still so many people out there that feel guilty about masturbating. What about all those women out there that can't have an orgasm with their spouse...should they suffer by not enjoying a great orgasm through masturbation? NEVER, I say, NEVER!!!:-)
I think I'll get busy right now.

Anonymous said...

Melissa, have you read some of the other essay's on "Sex in Christ?". If so, what is your take on some of these very contrversial subjects?

MaxedOutMama said...

Dr. M, if you follow the other links at that site, it turns out that it is also God's will for married couples to have threesomes (two women, one man). Both women should be submissive to the male to remain true to Biblical principles. Also, if the wife's lesbian friend is married, the partner's husband must agree to her having sex with the other woman, and the other woman's husband must not have sex with her. On the other hand, if the wife's lesbian partner is unmarried, the husband may indulge.

The site also recommends anal sex before marriage in order to preserve virginity until marriage. And then there is a hearty recommendation of fisting: many Christian men and women are depriving themselves of what could be the most spiritual sexual experience of their lives. There is an interesting scriptural justification for the practice - God's fist is described as a symbol of His awesome power and the means through which this power manifests. It is suggested that we all go and do likewise.

Also, the site recommends BDSM. A BDSM relationship between a dominant husband and submissive wife is actually the ideal of marriage set out in Ephesians 5:22-26 taken to its logical conclusion!

This could be a very popular church for men. I am not sure whether you intended it, but I have rarely laughed so hard when reading, ah, spiritual advice.

I do not think that a BDSM relationship is my marital ideal nor the Christian marital ideal, and I am pretty sure that Golden Showers are not how the Word cleanses us. I am also quite certain that the early church did not regard "whips, chains, black leather, or dungeon gear" as part of their spiritual legacy to us, no matter what this site says.

Anyway, I like the rest of your list.

I did not manage to work my way through the "Proposal for a Christian Pornography", but perhaps you can report. I am pretty sure this Christian sex advice is a parody site.

Melissa Clouthier said...

Hey MoM & All,

I'm laughing too. I thought the whole notion of God loving masturbation hilarious and didn't have time to go check the other pages on the site. Oh well! Glad it made your day brighter.

If you're laughing, you're helping your health, ala #4!

Thanks for the heads up. Snort!

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr.
I'm not laughing.
Are you married?
I am and I haven't had sex in 16 months. Not that I haven't tried.
About your number 10.

I like your picture.
I would like to help you with number 10, where do you live?

We could drink some first.

I have some of that viagra stuff, I've never used it.

I'm crying in my milk.

Good bye

Melissa Clouthier said...

Dear Anon 6:48,

I am married and I have my hands full at the moment, but I suggest that you and your wife/husband get into therapy. 16 months of sex deprivation while married is too long and may indicate other problems.

Good luck to you!

Bob said...

Well now, If I were "crazy" I might just hire you!

sexy said...






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