Tuesday, April 01, 2008

10 Ways To Keep Your Relationship Smokin' Hot

Relationships are difficult. I'm here to help. Here's some words of wisdom to keep your relationship from turning dull and boring:

1. Keep the mystery alive--Too many people reveal too much too often. Why share where you're going or what you're doing or who you're with. A little doubt keeps things spicy.

2. Call rarely--It's so annoying to have your work interrupted by mindless blather about nothing. One of the biggest myths is that your significant other actually cares what you're thinking about when you're chomping your food on your lunch hour. Newsflash! No one cares.

3. Retreat from conflict--People often deal with conflict by trying to resolve it and talk it out. This can be a big mistake. Most likely, the things you fight about today are the things you're going to fight about forever. Don't resolve it. Accept it. Stay away for as long as possible. The other person will eventually get tired of being angry.

4. Don't expect your spouse to meet your sexual needs--You should know that the best sex of your life happened before you got married or moved in together. You didn't get married for sex. You got married for companionship, bill-sharing and maybe having a kid or two. Having sexual expectations is just setting yourself up for disappointment. Let it go.

5. Spend time cultivating interests that don't include your spouse--One of the biggest problems in marriages is that people think they should do stuff together. Why? If you like golf, and your wife hates it, well, she'll just have to get over it and understand that golf makes you happy. If she likes shopping, she needs to do it when it's convenient for her. Her man will understand. Togetherness is overrated.

6. Don't change--Be you. Until you're your true, unchecked self, you can't really be free. Trying to get rid of annoying habits or irritating traits is just energy wasted. A true partner will love you no matter what.

7 Don't apologize--True love means never having to say you're sorry. Why should anyone expect an apology? You're doing the best you can with what you've got and if the person doesn't understand it, they have the limited world-view, not you. Saying you're sorry is for sissies. Men are emasculated enough. Women cow-tow to men too often. Stop apologizing!

8. Don't give tokens of affection--Materialism in all its guises is just manipulation. Don't do it. A person who needs concrete proof of love is superficial and not worth your time anyway. True love doesn't need to be spoken or given or shared. Rings are just that--symbolic. Who needs symbols? The real thing is just understood.

9. Ignore special dates--Again, this is just a manifestation of artificial constraints imposed by society. Every day is special! Why focus on birthdays or anniversaries? They are days like any other and it's ridiculous that people have expectations of gifts or kindness on those days.

10. Stop saying "I love you"--The words become vain and meaningless after a while. True love doesn't need constant reinforcement. True love just "knows". If your partner needs to hear the words, well, that's just too demanding. Who needs demanding in an intimate relationship? Forget it and move on.

Some of these pieces of advice might seem unconventional, but really, relationships are cracking under the pressure of inane expectations. People want too much, expect too much and just generally put too much faith in other human beings. There is no perfect partner out there. You can't be the perfect partner. Why try? Just be yourself and the person right for you will find you and love you just the way you are. That's true love and the world needs more of it.


ReallyWorried said...

Dear Melissa

Dear Dr Petra

Imagine this scenario: you’re concerned about oral sex. Sure, you could go to a friend and ask for advice, but that’s so potentially embarrassing.
After all, that’s why the internet exists. So you type it into Google: cunnilingus.
But surprise-surprise, instead of getting helpful tips on what to do when your husband wants to eat you out, you get porn.
Endless, endless porn. What’s an awkward, orally-inexperienced girl to do?

That’s where http://www.ReallyWorried.com comes in.

Sister Honey Bunch said...

Dude. I was with you on the first 6, but then we seriously parted ways with 7, 9 and 10.

Melissa Clouthier said...


I thought 7, 9, and 10 were the best ones!

Anonymous said...


Wow, to quote Samir Naenanajeh, "That is a truly horrible idea."

Your list is interesting, with some decent ideas, but I am wondering if the good ones were accidental...

Love ya,
Little Brother

Jess said...

happy april first, melissa!

Anonymous said...

This has to be April fools? Please spare us anymore and get a divorce already...

Melissa Clouthier said...

Anon 9:33,

What? You don't like the advice?

Anonymous said...

Well Melissa, this is a very interesting list. Some of the "advice" is, well, okay. The others are, "what planet are you from" advice. Oh, I forgot, it is April 1st today. :-)

You are on a roll today and I needed some laughter! Thanks and have fun!

Michael A. Comella said...

I must say that reading what you have said has made me a little concerned for you. No ... that was an understatement ... I thought your words were so wrong I couldn't believe it. I actually printed them out and had my wife read what you have said. We have been happily married for 15 years now and let me tell you my opinion (which I will comfortably admit, is an opinion) you have never experienced love for what it really is. If you are in a relationship and this is what you guys practice then either you, him, or the both of you are cheating on eachother and are in a very unstable relationship. It might be time that you and your significant other (if there is one) should seek professional help. Normaly I would apologize for being so harsh but that is one thing that you are against so I won't.

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