Wednesday, March 26, 2008

"Most Women Are Liars, Manipulators and Backstabbing Bitches"

Yes, well, I'm receiving interesting emails, that's for sure. This one came in over the weekend and I've been debating how to respond to it. Here's what a reader named Komolan asks:

My name is Komalan [I'm striking his middle and last name for anonymity -ed.]. I'm 28yrs-old,grew up between Italy Switzerland and a few years in South-Africa too. I'm currently studying in Manchester UK.
I'll get to the point; I was grown up by my mother to respect a treat women as if they were all nice and righteous... fact is that after being single my whole life, and being treated like scum by women, I've come to the conclusion that, most women, are manipulators, lying and back stabbing bitches. I treat women nicely and get treated badly back. Don't get me wrong, I'm good looking, honest and treat everyone with respect; but I don't get that from women, well, most.
When I greet a woman maybe in a public place, she will "nod" and look at me as if I'm raping her...I can say that I cannot even have a normal conversation with a woman without being harrassed by one of them.
Can you explain why they behave this way...truth is that we men are really second class citizens.



I'm sorry your experiences with women have led you to believe that most of them are bad. While it's true, there are some bad women out there, there are some good women, too. Your concerns are legitimate and I will address them in a minute.

First though, I want to talk about the concept of like attracting like. I'm not the only one to notice the pattern that birds of a feather flock together. Often we draw to us the exact sort of people we are like ourselves. Sometimes it's good to look outside your life like an impartial observer and see if you find patterns to the people you attract into your life. A friend of mine dated, successively, men of similar face, build and temperament. If you find yourself attracting a certain kind of woman, you might question what it is about you that attracts this kind. And ultimately, you have no control over how another might act or treat you, but you have control over how your actions and what you find acceptable in the behavior of others. Examine yourself. You say that you treat all people with respect and most women don't treat you with respect. Seek and build relationships with those who do treat you the way you wish to be treated.

Second, and more to what you're asking: Why are women lying, manipulating, backstabbing bitches? Lying: All people have trouble with the truth. Getting a straight answer from a woman can be even more difficult. Maybe conflict bothers her. Maybe she's afraid of hurting you. Maybe she thinks it's okay to lie because she has no moral foundation. Manipulating: People who manipulate see themselves in the one-down position. That is, an overt action would likely be met with confrontation, so manipulation is used to control. It's nasty behavior and difficult to deal with. Backstabbing: I'm taking that to mean that she acts one way to your face, but secretly does things that are mean or awful to you and you find out later. Some people just are out for themselves. Period. They will do anything to anyone to get what they want. It is wise to avoid these people, men or women. Unfortunately, they can be difficult to spot because they seem nice. Here's my advice, though. As soon as you see the bad behavior, bail. When someone shows you herself, believe her.

I'm going to give bitchiness its own paragraph. I have noticed that bitchiness as a character trait in women has come to be extolled especially among the younger women I see. Maybe it's the Paris Hilton effect. I don't know, but women seem to revel in being a trampy looking tease and then biting back and hard when a man appreciates the physical form--an action the woman was obviously trying to provoke. This double-bind is bullshit. Now, I've also known borish, aggressive men, but this post is operating under the assumption of a respectful, appreciative guy. There has been societal support for women to be ungrateful, using, and disrespectful. Maybe it's because they don't respect themselves. Or, more likely, maybe it's because they are spoiled rotten, entitled brats who are used to having things go their way.

Men struggle to be chivalrous, like I encouraged before, and are met with women who feel entitled to the respectful behavior while being bitchy and disrespectful themselves. Girls are socialized with Bratz dolls, see snotty, ditzy, superficial behavior in young adult role models, and hear how awful men are from the older women in their lives. Boys are made to seem bad by schools throughout and by college, girls are steeped in feminist culture where "sex is rape"--or that's what they hear in class. That message is mingled with "embrace your sexual freedom". So young women have this superficial view of women--empowered cock teases, essentially. And sometimes more than teases. They have sex, empty sex, and are taught to remove their attachment to the man and act "like a guy". They get hardened, because women are NOT wired like men and have a more challenging time having random sex. They feel used instead of empowered. They get bitter. And then they wonder why they hit 50 and don't ever get married. They tell themselves, "Men just can't handle a smart woman". Um, honey, maybe a man doesn't want your brand of woman. And then the woman herself feels betrayed. She bought the feminist crap and believed it and lived it.

Of course, not all women are like this. In fact, most women are not at all like this, but it takes time and patience to discover what sort of woman you're dealing with. And some women let you know up front. You have many years of dating ahead of you. I hope you'll look at yourself first--it's really the biggest part of the puzzle you control. And you also have control over who you ask out.

Be choosy.


Anonymous said...

Melissa, I feel badly for this young man and his troubles with women. I think your response to him was well thought out and written with empathy and compassion.

I think one of the most important points you made is the idea of looking at yourself and asking why the pattern. This is not easy for anyone. It is surprising though, how much a person can learn about themselves if they take the time to do that. It was great advise!

The bitchiness of some women is something that I find frightening. When they are in groups it is even more recognizable. I tend you agree with the second notion that you mention here: "maybe it's because they are spoiled rotten, entitled brats who are used to having things go their way." Our society caters so much to women and I read in a post somewhere a man expressing that in the western world, women tend to have more power and lead their men around by the nose.

This gets all very complicated and one can only hope and pray that one has the wisdom and the insight to raise a daughter well in this society in which we live in.

One more thing: because you read a lot, when writing on subjects such as this or the one you did on self sabotage, as well as others, it might be nice and helpful if you would list some suggested reading along with that post. Only a thought. :-)

Melissa Clouthier said...

A friend of mine brought up the idea that maybe this man lacks confidence and has a difficult time with women and puts off a needy vibe. That could be, too. In that case, he needs to do some work to build his confidence.

Wayne said...

Ok, I see a few different threads of thought here, both by you and by your correspondent. I notice that you responded as if he were talking about dating relationships he's had with women, but the tone I got from the letter appeared to be more related to perhaps work or casual relationships, largely because he stated:

"When I greet a woman maybe in a public place, she will "nod" and look at me as if I'm raping her...I can say that I cannot even have a normal conversation with a woman without being harrassed by one of them."

A whole lot of the issue could be the places he frequents, as some places attract this type of woman more than others. Since he says he is studying in Manchester, it may be that the campus environment has a high concentration of the types of women that he is having problems with.

However, Komalan, allow me to suggest this: If there are any women who you are able to speak with normally, and who do not give you a hard time, ask THEM for help. It IS possible that you put off a "vibe" to others that you don't realize you are doing. The women who appear reasonable can be very helpful, in that they can either explain what may be off-putting to others, which they look past, or they may confirm your opinion that the majority of women you are interacting with are bitchy, manipulative, lying backstabbers (It could even be a little of both).

If they tell you something that is unpleasant about yourself, try to overcome it. I don't know what kind of behavior it might be - some men can't seem to bring their eyes off a woman's chest when they talk to them. I presume from what you said about your mother that you would not do something that basic, that was just an example. Don't be too intense about seeking this help, though, because you can put off your friends, too, if you appear too desperate.

Anonymous said...

After dating then being married/ divorced to an American woman who became exactly what this man has described I have learned:
1. American women on a global scale have the worst attitude about men and relationships in general. They are taught from birth that men are garbage and exist to service them and divorce and family law courts are essentially legal lotteries.
2. American women believe "I came to the planet with a vagina, therefore Im a goddess and your dirt". I knew if I married again it wouldnt be a woman corrupted with "Housewives of Orange county " mentality which is pervasive in our society. I met and married a Canadian. She is truly a goddess. I have advised my two sons, date Americans but if you know whats good for you you will travel alot and if you marry find a girl from another country. American women are not worth the trouble nor are they worth more then half your stuff.

Anonymous said...

Anon. 8:27, I am a woman...not born and raised here but American now. You are not the first person that I have heard say this. It is really sad. However, there are a lot of wonderful American women as well and I am sorry that you did not experience that in your dating. I am happy for you that you found a wonderful person now though! :-)

Melissa Clouthier said...

Anon 8:27,

I wonder about making a sweeping generalization about American women:

American women on a global scale have the worst attitude about men and relationships in general.

Really? I know so many great American women. There are as many great American women as there are great American women. I still feel that it's the exception, not the rule, that women give off this vibe. And if you have had such a sweeping experience with so many, I'd look at the common link.

raving lunatic said...

(If we're speaking from a dating viewpoint) It seems to me that the good women are usually 'taken' fairly early on. A smart man knows when he has a good one and doesn't let go. That means that the older you get, the more concentrated the pool becomes with 'bad' women. It seems not only do single women become harder to find, but decent single women get exponentially harder to dig up. I concluded a while back that if a woman gets to be my age (39) and is still single, there's probably a good reason. (I also figure the same applies to men, including myself.)

Christopher Taylor said...

Something is deeply wrong with a society of women who make Sex in the City so popular. This is who you look up to, are entertained by, and want to emulate? These used up, shallow, bitter, unlikable bitches? That makes you feel strong?

I note every one of the women in that show are trying to find a good guy and settle down, then make sure their lives and attitudes are designed in such a way to make that impossible.

Unlike Seinfeld where the characters rejected every potential relationship for the most shallow, trivial reasons, Sex in the City isn't a satire on modern life. It's being portrayed as how women are, and perhaps ought to be. Between them and Oprah Winfrey, there's good reason why more and more young men are going solo.

Anonymous said...

As I get older I've come to the conclusion that most people, especially women, crave discord in their lives. I think in most cases discord acts as an affirmation that they are ‘alive.’ Since for a vast majority our society ‘coddles’ us like no other society in history people have to go out of their way to find conflict to scratch that ‘itch,’ therefore the self-destructive behavior.

traveler_in_time said...

You are right on the money with your answer. Sadly, women who act like that only get worse the older they get (I learned that from experience).

PC said...

I had the same problems like most guys, girls behaving badly. I've even seen most married guys get shabby treatment as well. That definitely deterred me from even relationships and so got my 'dates' from craigslist and the like.
In fact, it's even cheaper to go which such women. And I think most guys nowadays came to that very same conclusion and became so-called 'child-men.' Just join the club

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SC Pitts said...

I think that he may be a nice guy who is just being misperceived by women; and, they aren't nice ones, either, because it isn't right to treat anyone like that for any reason. I would advise him to up his confidence, and let him know that dating will become easier over time as he becomes smarter about people. Then, the screening process becomes easier; meeting the better, more fitting women will come with time.

And, not to get off-topic, but as far as backstabbing by women is concerned, I am a woman, and I, myself, am being backstabbed and gossiped about behind my back on an almost daily basis by my very own sister! Just in the past week, she's done it to a friend of hers (who then came after me and bullied me); and, has a years-long pattern of doing this behind my back to my own mother! It's horrible.

So, he this man of original topic is not alone. But, I don't think it's gender as much as persona. Insecure, selfish people who are lacking in conscience. Cruel behavior happens in all genders -- it's disgusting behavior. And, I for one, believe what goes around should come around.

Tim said...

Trust me on this: Forget women - they are ALL LYING SCUMBAGS. Buy yourself a nice house, nice cars, and a dog. No worries, and you don't always have to be on your 'best behavior.' You can be yourself in your own home. Society tells you are nothing without a spouse and chillldren. Well, F society!!! I'm happy now, and my dog deosn't lie to me! =)

Phil said...

I live in the United States. What this man says seems pretty true to me, in my experience. I too was raised to respect women, and put them on a pedestal, only to find that 90% are liars, whores, sluts, manipulative, selfish, and utterly inhuman. Not just towards men, but eachother. If you you 'want a woman' in America, be prepared to be treated like a 'new pair of shoes.' That's it. When you no longer impress their friends, and family or whomever, you're finished. Also, the whole idea of women 'wanting men to open up' and all that crap is a total myth. They want you to lie to them, they want to lie to you, and the thought never crosses their minds, stop watching movies for love advice. The truth is most women are utterly closed, and selfishly guarded jerks who haven't the faintest idea of what 'empathy' is. Essentially it mostly seems to be about money, stuff, or impressing people. You have to essentially be a great big penis with a wallet. You can be a small one, as long as you have a big wallet, and they'll say this out loud as well. Any ideas any man has about 'finding a loving wife' are complete and utter fantasy, it is a big myth. They lie and lie to get whatever the hell they want, and all you must do to have this, if you want it, is to lie to yourself, and take it, until the day comes you can't bear to put up with the lies. Nothing matters to them, they'll sooner destroy and ruin a decent human being for practically nothing, if it suits them at the time. They may even feel bad afterwards, but they still do it anyway. They are told by their friends this is how it works, and that its what women do, and they have license for this behavior 'because they are women.' When a man does this, he is a total scumbag, in my book, in everyone's book, but when women do it, 'they're just experimenting.' I might even go so far as to say that there are no women anymore, only boys with vaginas. Meaning, women act like 16 year old boys, they spit, cuss, get tattoes, put off their friends to go get drunk or do drugs, and they behave in this immature way all the way into their 30s. They act like little boys, and unless you're a sick perv into that, its highly unattractive. What THEY think is attractive isn't, and all that is left is to wear as little clothing as possible to try to make you hot. Which doesn't really work with all men, they they get all pissy about it. American women are immature sociopaths, and you'd be better off leaving the entire country and finding women elsewhere. I haven't been to other countries, but this one sucks. Ultimately, you just have to realize you're better off alone, as Buddha said, 'its better to be alone, then go on with a fool for a companion.' And that's what its really about isn't it? Companionship, something women know nothing about. They're collective psychopaths obsessed with themselves, and fitting a mold, impressing the collective. "Companionship" is dead in this country. And women don't really exist here, and you can call them men with vaginas, or men without penises, but ultimately, there really are no women here at all.

Flix said...

I'd like to see some statistics to support your rather sweeping statement. Yes some women are absolute bitches and the good ones are difficult to find but I'd refrain from inventing false percentages. Which study produced this 95% figure, I need names and dates ? The truth is both genders are capable of the most despicable behaviour. Men tend to exaggerate the stats because their mothers were women and any attack from a woman tends to cut deeper than one from a male, we don't give a rat's arse what some dopey fellow male thinks.If another male's attack is severe enough we can simply beat the crap out of him, we can't do the same with women.
Although I fight it daily, I have a deep resentment of women as I was given away at birth and then my adopted mother who herself was in deep pain tended to project all her resentment onto me, she was a cruel and abusive woman but I still love her dearly.I forgave her years ago but occasionally the wounds open open, they will never heal completely.
The reality is that we've been conditioned to despise one another by our masters, "Divide and Conquer" men vs women, black vs white, Christian vs Muslim. The handful of Global bankers and military industrialist families who control and manipulate us have been using this age old method to prevent us from organising and rising up against their tyranny. Wake up folks! These petty squabbles are useless they help to keep us enslaved.

Robert said...

The figures show that between 20% .. 25% of "modern women" & far higher for Feminists meet a majority of the criteria for Borderline Psychotic Personality Disorder. It is by upbringing & is celebrated in our media.

I would suggest he go back to Europe or Asia to seek a mate. It would be unwise to knowingly date or marry a mentally ill woman.

surgeonviper said...

I don't know where Flix is drinking from but Phil speaks the truth about this sweeping epidemic. Most normal men are abused by their female mates in this country. To act like it is opposite is dismissive and completely false. As most men break their backs to impress women. Face it we are the directors of entertainment, when we fail we get no respect.

I have had allot of relationships and am like the initial asker. I too am good looking, nice and don't bother anyone. I am treated like a leper all the time by women. Not because i am trying to date them, they just like to dictate authority. They are hostile creatures. Always offended by even the slightest breath.

I definitely don't want American women. A friend of mine once told me when we were coming up in college that dating American women was for fools because they are too greedy. He eventually married a Japanese woman. I meanwhile have gone through two dozen relationships with life sucking, angry, bitter, evil, backstabbing psychotic nothings who care not one inch about me at-all. And let me tell you, they come in all shapes and sizes here. Believe me. And it's getting worse.

You can do everything right for 90% of them and still get used in the end. So this whole idea that. Phill is wrong and women in America are exotic creatures that have to be understood is a load of bull. I've peaked beneath their surface. You know what's under the hood?...

Man hating intensity.

Roland Hall said...

Dr. Clouthier...

Good post. The part where you said to look at yourself, made me think. Is it me? My mom recently told me I seem to date women that are unobtainable or out of reach so I won't be in a long relationship. It would have to be subconsciously to be true. I sure hope not. I'm tired of being lied to, taken advantage of, promised a gold mine and given the shaft. I guess it must be me and I'm destined to just travel this world alone. It miserable being alone but it's worse being miserable in a bad relationship. Anyway, good post. We (men) know when the woman is treating us bad and we often make excuses, so perhaps we deserve the continuation, if not the origination. It's hard to give up something (someone) you want, even when you know it's (she's) bad for you. I invested two years with this woman and yesterday I ended it and I'm dying inside. I hate life.

Christoph said...

I think it's fine that you, a woman, are willing to take his questions seriously, and acknowledge many (most) women are less than snow white.

But your advice to him and other men is to be chivalrous?

Knowing what you know about modern women, that advice us beyond merely stupid, it's bordering on quasi-evil.

You know when chivalry sort of worked? When men exerted more day-to-day control over women and specifically also indoctrinated them into certain corresponding sets of values. But leave women to their naturally amoral selves, and all bets are off with that method. Men, regarding chivalry, "Just say no."