Sex Is Sacred

I should be in bed, but a rant is bubbling and I want to post it before heading to the land of nod. This is what currently disturbs me in our Sex In The City society: Sex is treated with contempt.

The change occurred back when birth control became ubiquitous. Women could have sex as easily and without consequence as men and so women took on the behavior of the most hound-doggish men. It has not been good for either men or women.

Oh, usually, when this topic comes up, the discussion turns toward STDs or unwanted pregnancies or abortion. And those are important discussions and a terrible side-effect of sexual promiscuity. But there is a more day-to-day effect of promiscuity: the devaluing of sex itself to the point that it's purpose beyond reproduction is distorted beyond recognition.

Sex is not just to make babies. Sex is not just for physical pleasure. Sex is a sacred gift between two people.

Here's an irony that I've noticed: the women who put out the most seem to like sex the least. You read that right. Because sex matters so little to them, they use sex as a tool to get a man to like them or they use sex to have physical touch or they use sex for attention. The point is, they use sex. And then, when there is no more use for sex, they stop giving it up. That's right. They don't like it or value it that much anyway. They give it to anyone and everyone. And, imagine their eventual husband's shock when it stops being given. "But we had so much sex before we got married!" Uh huh. I have a newsflash. She didn't like it then, either. She was using sex to use you. And, it worked.

No one values anything that comes cheap. Why do men and women give away the gift of their body and soul as if it is worth nothing?

Sexual intercourse is more than a physical coupling. It is a powerful union, a special gift. DNA is exchanged during sex. Both people are literally changed by the experience. And this is awesome. When someone has multiple partners, gives the gift too soon and to a stranger even, a barrier goes up emotionally. How can it not? A person has to divest himself of emotional vulnerability in an act that succeeds based on making oneself vulnerable. Long term, I believe that this behavior is incredibly damaging to the heart and spirit of a person. The emotional distance becomes a habit. This is not so easy to turn off once in a loving, committed relationship.

A guy friend of mine told me that he couldn't understand why a woman would give up sex soon. He could see absolutely no benefit to her by doing that. And yet, women do this all the time these days. They are lonely or horny or believe that to "get" or "keep" a man, that's what is necessary. But what kind of man does this woman want to "get" or "keep"?

Maybe it seems like I'm being too hard on women and not holding men responsible. Maybe. But let's face it, women are the gatekeepers. And when they keep the gates swung wide open for anyone and everyone, it devalues the commodity. And that's where were at societally. When something becomes cheap and ubiquitous, it loses it's value. Loose women are a dime a dozen. Why do women complain about men not committing again?

Men are responsible, too. By treating every woman as a two-bit whore, they value all women less. And eventually, they bring that attitude to the woman they eventually commit to. How can they not? It used to be that hound dog men were looked down upon. But now, a man who views sex as something special and is choosy about how he shares it is scorned as prudish and backward. Or, his sexuality is questioned.

The gender wars keep waging in part because sex is so misused and abused. A lifetime of intimate betrayals causes a man or woman to distrust and despise the opposite sex. These hurts and wounds scar a person's soul. And like a physical scar, the person's heart becomes less flexible, less functional and rather ugly. A person may even get to the point of forgiveness for past sexual hurts, but the memories will affect the present. And very often, the person saddles his or her true love with side-effects of those memories.

I guess I just wish, very much, that people would consider their ways and keep, ever present in their minds, the partner of the future that they will love with their whole heart. Eventually, hopefully, a soul mate will come along. This person will be so special and wonderful and incredible that anything less than everything will feel like not enough. The problem will be that along the way, too much was given away, treated with contempt and diminished. A tentative, self-protective barrier will have to be either broken down or navigated around in the relationship. Sex will have been a tool used by and against a person instead of being a sacred gift to give someone.

Does this sound old-fashioned? Probably so. It certainly isn't third-wave feminist ideology. And it certainly isn't a modern notion. That's really too bad. Sex can be used as a sacred power to bind. Today, too often, it's being used as a power to destroy.