Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Why Your Sex Drive Sucks

There are many reasons people have low sex drive. Guy friends find this amazing, but there are men who don't have any sex drive either. This makes for frustration all the way around. There are solutions to low sex drive, but behavior will have to change:

  1. Hormone imbalance--There are many causes for hormones to be off. Low fat diets, either too much body fat (increases estrogen production) or too little body fat, sluggish thyroid function, perimenopause for women, low testosterone for men, etc. It is one of the first places a person should look for low sex drive. Daily exercise where a person works up a sweat and a diet changes can make a huge difference here.
  2. Medication--Blood pressure, cholesterol lowering, birth control pills, antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds and many, many other medications can kill sex drive. For those of you with blood pressure problems or cholesterol issues, know that you are trading sexual function for the luxury of eating your macaroni and cheese without stopping your heart. There are trade-offs. I've had a diabetic tell me with a straight face, "I'd rather die than stop drinking Coke." Well, okay, some of you are trading your sex life for the pleasure of eating junk. Just be aware that that's what you're doing.
  3. Messed Up Priorities--Do you really have to watch Sports Center again at 11:00 p.m.? You had a window and it slammed shut with your wife's tired eye lids. Get the kids to bed before your own bedtime. Putting kids to bed at 10 or 10:30 makes for sexual frustration. You're just too tired to do it. Turn off the TV, the computer, the book, the phone calls, the kids, the housework, whatever, and get in bed in time to have sex.
  4. Body Discomfort--Or, for men, you hate your wife's body. Rarely do men not indulge in sex because they're ashamed of their body, but women are often ashamed of their flaws and avoid sex just so they don't have to get naked in front of a guy. Men, you can go a long way to making your woman feel sexier. Tell her how hot she is. Touch her. Make it clear that you like her body the way it is and she'll be more likely to give it to you. Women, get over it. He doesn't care. He just wants it.
  5. You Hate Your Lover--Oh, you don't want to admit it, but there it is. Sex requires a certain amount emotional engagement. Some men and women find themselves nearly impotent because they cannot imagine having sex with him/her. Their drive is gone. Men are as prone to psychological impotence as women, here. It's called unresolved anger. Find a therapist and resolve it.
  6. Masturbation substitutes for the real deal--It's faster. It's easier. It's less demanding. It can be fit in to the routine. It's convenient for the emotionally stunted who have trouble in a mutual relationship. Whatever the issue, it's a substitute. Maybe it's not no sex drive, maybe it's misapplied sex drive. If you're in a relationship, it's unfair to divert the attention away from your mate.
  7. Busy-ness--This is related to messed up priorities. A packed schedule demands rescheduling. Sex is important to the contentedness of a relationship. Put it on the schedule. The fatigue that comes from stress and running around must be dealt with for there to be enough energy to even want sex.
  8. Physical or mental illness--Depression kills desire....for anything. Anemia causes fatigue that interferes with any activity. There are many illnesses that cause problems with blood flow and energy. The underlying sickness needs to be dealt with first. The low sex drive is secondary.
Sex drive is a complicated thing. The most important thing to bringing it back is the desire to have it. There are many women and men who just don't care about it, which might be fine for them. But a relationship means trusting the other person to be there for you in this way. If you're not willing to get thing straightened around for you, how about trying to for your partner?

A healthy sex life can make life a lot more fun for everyone.

18 comments:

Francis W. Porretto said...

"A healthy sex life can make life a lot more fun for everyone."

Oh? What if your sex drive is still vital, but your spouse's is null and void and she's just fine with that? When she's told you explicitly that she's lost all interest in sex and doesn't want you "bothering her" any more, what then? For whom does your sex drive make life "more fun?"

For some of us, the loss of our sex drive is a consummation devoutly to be wished. We yearn for it.

Anonymous said...

Frances, did you marry my wife? On our wedding night, she drove off in my truck to a motel, and left me behind. She's told me I was the worst, and she'd never had a climax in the 20+ years. She's pushed me away so long I no longer try.
Marry in hast, repent at leisure. Never again.
tomw

Melissa Clouthier said...

Francis & Anon,

This post was written for people like your wives. I'm sorry you've suffered so. Why have you stayed?

Anonymous said...

Seems to me that women, once they get down to it, generally enjoy sex as much as men...maybe even more. But they're usually more reluctant to get started.

Do you agree with this observation? If so, why would this be? Seems like if someone had a highly pleasurable experience, she'd be eager to repeat very soon...

jeff

doctorfixit said...

Self-gratification is a habit that starts when there is no opportunity for the real thing. None of the many women I have lived with had anywhere near the sex drive I had. I had to accept that women just aren't that interested - so they should accept that there are alternatives. If a woman wants more sex, all she has to do is ask for it. Not true for men. It's a seller's market, always has been. always will be. No one should ever feel guilty for taking care of themselves, nor should anyone be responsible for another person's sex drive or level of enjoyment. The gender sex drive mismatch issue would go away if prostitution was de-criminalised.

Melissa Clouthier said...

doctorfixit,

How very madonna-whorish! I know many women who have more sex drive than the men they're with. Uneven sex drive is one thing. A woman or man who swears off sex period is another thing entirely. One can be negotiated, the other is a problem to be solved.

And I'm not proposing that masturbation is wrong, but that using it as a substitute for the real thing is problematic when your partner desires sex more.

You say, "no one should ever feel guilty for taking care of themselves, nor should anyone be responsible for another person's sex drive or level of involvement." Really? Sex is a two way street. A loving partner will at least desire to satisfy their partner. Otherwise, why not be single?

Anonymous said...

"Women, get over it. He doesn't care. He just wants it."

Um, no. He does care. He's hung up about the fact that I no longer weigh exactly the same as I did 20 years and two kids ago, but he's the same. If I hear, "If you'd eat less and exercise more..." one more time, I'm going to scream. Yeah, I'm not as svelte as I used to be, but I'm not Big Bertha either.

Anonymous said...

I am one of those women who has not enjoyed sex with my spouse very much because of a lot of different reasons. Expectations that seem more than what I want to give. Saying "I love you" only around the time he wants to have sex. Being a grump to the kids as well as me...but nicey, nicey when it's time to do it. Etc, etc, etc, etc, etc. However, never once, in all the years that we have been married did I ever deny him sex. Men are differently build than we are and they really do NEED it.

In regards to your statement, "He does not care." Oh yes, he does care. He is grossed out by fat people in general and even when I put on some extra pounds, I hear about it...and I am not a fat person.

Masturbation is a great way to at least release sexual tension and pain. I recently listened to a CD by Candice Pert and she highly recommends for people who do not have a regular sex life, to masturbate. It is just plain healthy.

I R A Darth Aggie said...

Why have you stayed?

I'm neither of the first two posters who's sad and sorry situation prompted the above question, but I'll take a stab at answering:

Divorce is a painful and expensive way to satisfy an itch that Rosy Palm and her five sisters can much less expensively deal with.

Especially if there are children involved. They can still be sweet and loving towards the mother of their children, even if they're no longer sexually intimate with each other.

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aljellejay-r said...

I don't have much to say, as I honestly don't have any problems with my sex life.lol! I love my husband and he loves me, too! :-)
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