Cassy Fiano balances her views on being a good patron by giving tips to waiters and waitresses. Please forward her articles to anyone in the industry. Dang. It needs help. And I blame the training programs at the restaurants.
Labels:
Business,
Marketing,
Psychology
Yesterday was the five year anniversary of our troops being in Iraq. Here's what's going on:
People are stilling sending their loved ones off and making sacrifices.
Libya is now linked to supporting terror in Iraq. Nuke 'em, I say. Let's just get this clear: the Iraqis are taking the brunt of their Islamic brother's hate. By keeping the fight over there, Muslims are being toasted by Muslims. These people are very brave and would like peace just like everyone else.
Michael Yon's blog has a new look (hey, Michael, it looks good) and if you want the dirt on what's going on, you need Michael Yon.
Want to know the machinations of Iraq's politics? Learn more here. As an aside, I chortle at the Dem's high standards for Iraq when Congress is such a flipping mess. Clean up your own house, boys and girls, and then you can lob pot shots at a new and struggling government.
Austin Bay writes about Al Qaeda's declining influence. At this point, it seems like going to the sources of funding is key and blasting other terrorist states contributing to Iraq's instability would be good too. Everyone needs to shape up so Iraq has a chance.
Giving an honest opinion in a totalitarian regime is dangerous. Recovering from a victim mentality is difficult. Michael Totten explains the strange opinion polls coming out of Iraq.
As it turns out, Saddam did fund terrorism. Wow, shocking.
Personally, I think Bin Laden is dead and met Allah some time ago. But there is news that he's going to be giving one of his pep talks soon. Meh. Okay. I think it's funny how irrelevant he is dead or alive. If he isn't toes up yet, it's got to piss him off.
Is Iraq our ally? Uncle Jimbo says yes. I say yes, too, but I never felt like the Iraqis were the enemy. Saddam Hussein and his merry band of deviants were our enemy. The Iraqi people were victims of this brutal tyrant. It's going to take a while for their minds and hearts to change, but there's nothing like a taste of freedom to make a good friend.
Greyhawk notes that 3%, yes you read that correctly, 3% of the media coverage is dedicated to the war in Iraq. Wow, could it be because it would make the President look good? Would it make America look good? Would it be inspiring? And the MSM wants us to believe they're unbiased. Please.
Matt Sanchez remembers the start of the war and where we've come.
Learn about the geniuses of counterinsurgency: General David Petraeus and Raymond Odiemo. There are heroes and generals and some are one and the same. History will be kind to these men.
Labels:
Iraq,
War on Terror
At the request of a reader, I'm going to make a list of dating rules for men. Now, here's the thing, guys are, by this guy's own admission, simple creatures. They are straight forward, generally speaking. Women, on the other hand, are all unique. Each woman rules her own home her own way. There's a reason that the Chinese symbol for the word "trouble" has the symbol of two women under one roof. So, when I write the rules for men, I'm writing what I would like from a man. Another woman might want something different. If you're that into her, Romeo, you will find out what makes her tick and do what makes her tick and continue to do what makes her tick after you've "conquered". And if she's smart, she'll never let you completely conquer her, but that's a topic for another day.
So, how does a guy do dating?
1. Ask correctly. Huge pet peeve: When a guy asks, "Do you have anything going on tomorrow?" it is completely frustrating. It is lame. It is weak. It puts the woman in a bad position. She might or she might not be busy, it depends upon what you're asking her for and she doesn't know what you're asking her for, because you're feeling her out instead of just plain asking what you want. Instead say,"I have tickets to the ballgame tomorrow night at 7, would you like to join me?" This gives her more information to make a decision. She might hate basketball. She might have other plans that's she willing to change. If you ask the first question, she could legitimately say,"I'm busy". You'll feel defeated, but it's your own damn fault. She didn't have the opportunity to make it work. Now, if you ask her directly, you'll get the following responses: "Oh, I love basketball! Thank you! Yes!" or "I'm sorry, I have other plans, but if you ever get tickets again, please ask." or "I'm not a huge basketball fan because I don't understand the game, you might want to ask another person, but I would like to go out with you", etc. Give her the opportunity to say yes by asking correctly.
2. Compliment politely and often. A friend of mine wrongly believes that hot women hear comments about their beauty all the time. He is wrong. I remember this absolutely stunning girl who was in our youth group. She was breathtaking. She wasn't asked out once in High School. No prom invitation. No nothing. She was painfully shy which guys mistook as stuck up. All she wanted was a date. And she would have loved a complement on her beauty. She hadn't heard one. So, when your date or the girl you want to date, looks gorgeous, tell her. Make the compliment even more memorable by saying something specific--"that color makes your eyes look beautiful" or "your smile just lights up your whole face, you look so pretty". She might blush or demure, but she'll remember. And it will make her day. In addition, notice other things, too. Compliment her work ethic or her accomplishments or whatever you admire about her. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. We know you guys think these things, at least we hope you do, but hearing it is like rain on parched ground.
3. Be chivalrous. I know we're in a post-modern feminist world. Screw it! Be a man and treat her like a woman and if she doesn't like it, dump her sorry ass. Open the door for her. Open her car door. Pay for the bill. Give her your jacket if it's cold. Hold out your arm when she's in heels and it's bumpy terrain. Walk her to her door. Make sure she's safe. One of the great things about being a man is being a strength for a woman. I told you people before that I'm old fashioned and this confirms it. But men, women love being cared for and you love caring, so it all works out. So, do it!
4. Make a plan. If you care for the woman, have some clue about what you want to do. Don't pick her up and then ask her what she wants to do or where she wants to eat. First, it puts pressure on her again. She doesn't know your budget, likes or intention. Second, it just shows a complete lack of concern. You like her enough to ask her out but not enough to plan the date? She takes it as you don't like her that much. If you're not sure what she likes, here's the plan: Have two choices for the meal and two choices for the activity and let her choose. She might not have any inclination either way. Fine. She might be nervous still. Then, you choose. Oh, and don't make this some sort of test. Will she pick the expensive place? That kind of bullshit set-up is childish. You'll find out soon enough what kind of girl she is. Give her choices that you can live with.
5. Don't push for sex on the first, second or third date. Don't. How desperate are you anyway? If you click on all cylinders, tell her she's hot, you lust her and ask her out for tomorrow. Still like her the next day? Ask her out again. Reinforce that you dig her. NO sex. Continue on long enough with this routine until you guys have had the big discussions. Is she religious? Will she feel like she's violating her code by having sex? Will you? Did you just have a fluky good first date, but now that you know her better she's a little scary? Bonus! You didn't have sex with her so you won't feel so bad telling her that you don't see this going anywhere. Here's the thing: Do you want to get laid once or twice or do you like her enough to make it permanent? I know your answer is "Duh! I want to get laid now and forever!" Uh huh. She sleeps with you on night one, what is your question, "Does she do this with all her dates? Have I just entered Slutsville?" You like a girl to wait. Well, take the lead and show some restraint. You only feel like an animal, but there is a frontal lobe in there somewhere, use it.
6. Say what you mean. If you say you're going to call, call. If you say you'll text her tomorrow, text her tomorrow. If you say you like her, do things that reinforce that you like her like emailing, texting, calling, sending flowers, whatever. Women can be dishonest and lead a guy on. Well, guys do the same thing. For fear that they'll hurt a girl, they'll act indifferent, cold, distant, cruel, but won't say, "Listen I like you, but I'm not feeling it." Now, if you say that or you don't like her, don't send her mixed messages. That's just shitty. Lots of guys will send double messages mostly in the form of taking sex where they can get it, but then getting annoyed when she acts attached or starts insinuating herself into his life. Hey, Asshole! Yeah, you! When you don't like her enough to stay with her, but you know she likes you that way and you fuck her anyway even with this knowledge because well, she's a good lay or at least a willing lay (desperate women give good sex), you've just lowered yourself to completely lame status. Don't use her for sex and then treat her like dirt. That makes you an asshole and you're the guy who gives other guys a bad name.
7. Over-communicate. It may seem self-evident to you that you dig her because well you're calling her, texting her, dating her, and generally being around her a lot, but she needs to hear the words. Where does she stand? What is your plan? Face it, you already know on some level how you feel. Do you really like her? Tell her. Do you enjoy her company? Say, "I enjoy being with you." Do you think she's funny say, "It's great being with someone who makes me laugh." Women are wired different than men. I know, stating the obvious here. But many women have been burned by hanging around a guy who really wasn't into her but he called or he dated or he acted somewhat like he liked her, but it turned out he really didn't and she felt unsure all the time. Now, with you, she wonders. So, tell her. (By the way, this will be probably feel weird, since you're not used to stating what seems to be obvious. Humor me here.)
8. Don't bitch about your job, your mother, your exes, your sports team, your whatever. I know, you're nervous. Babbling on and on about fill-in-the-blank topic comes off as self-involved. Maybe you're not nervous, maybe you are self-involved. Well, don't be surprised to see her eyes glaze over. You know how when you go to a job interview and, if you're smart, you read up about the company? Well, do a little ground work. What does she like? Ask her about that. If you're talking 80% of the time, something is wrong. If you're talking 10% of the time, something is wrong. If you're talking about how your mother, who lives upstairs, doesn't do your laundry the way you like it, something is wrong. Dude, give and take. A good date has give and take. And a good date doesn't focus on the bitterness of how life has wronged you, either. Stuff it. We all have our stories. Save the sobbing for when you know her better, a lot better.
9. Don't work at impressing her by bragging or generally acting weird. Dropping how much you make, mentioning your Lamborghini, talking about your buddy Charles Barkley and whatever else you associate with impressing a woman and inserting it into the conversation just feels strange. Come on. A worthy girl will like you for the best you. Girls get a bad rap for being only moved by money and status and looks. Not all girls. And do you want a superficial girl in your life? Maybe you do. Well then, blab about things that you think will impress her. Otherwise, be sincere in your conversation. Oh! And don't condescend. Don't act she's like an idiot and talk down to her.
10. Have fun. Drop a drink in your lap because of nerves? Laugh. Stay loose, relax and just enjoy. I told the girls this, too, by the way. Dating might feel high-pressured, but that's no fun. Does dating have to be a zero-sum game? Are you willing to have a less than sex or marriage resolution to this date? You can't have too many friends. It expands your life to meet more people. Keep it fun and real and even if it turns into nothing, you've enjoyed the process.
11. Use your manners. Shower. Personal hygiene conveys that you care. Shave. Dress appropriately for the situation. Don't burp, spit, fart or otherwise engage bodily functions. Chew with your mouth closed. Don't get wasted. Treat the waitress respectfully. Tip well. I remember one date like it was yesterday and it was mortifying. The guy didn't tip after we had taken a table on a Friday night for a long time. He also informed me after we got there (this was in college) that he could only afford an hors d'oeurve and dessert. Well, like an idiot, I had left my purse at home because it was a spur of the moment thing. The next day, I went back to the restaurant and found the server and paid her. How a guy treats the server matters. Going to a place too rich and then putting on the restraints is lame, too. Good manners, use them. If you were never taught them, buy a book on etiquette and learn. A grown man should know how to handle himself in any situation high or low.
12. A note about kisses. Should you or shouldn't you? Not sure? You can always say, at the end of the night, "May I kiss you?" Or maybe the vibe is going so strong, it's not even a question. Just a word of advice: err on the of restraint. Before you stick your tongue down her throat, you might want to see how she responds to a respectful cheek peck. She might just turn toward you. I don't think you need to be told that this is a good sign. If you don't want to kiss her, don't, but please still walk her to the door. Finish strong.
Again, the same principle holds. Treat your date the way you'd like to be treated. Be respectful and honest and communicative. The thing is, you might not end up with her. But I've heard more than one story of a guy ending up with a sister or friend of a girl he dated. A respectful interaction can create opportunities even if the date doesn't work for you two. Girls do talk. Your behavior will be noted by other women, too. And it's always good advice to imagine this woman as your mother or your sister or your daughter. Would you want a man to treat a woman you love the way you're treating this woman? If not, straighten up.
Another aside: I think men are more romantic than women, not less. A man will fall in love and be in love and stay in love with a woman and he just knows. It's often very cut and dried for him. Women are often more needing of proof and evidence. Now, I realize this is a generalization, but I believe it to be true. I find the romance in a man so interesting. A man's courage to approach a woman who may or may not accept him also is impressive. It's not easy being a guy. It's even less easy and hardly reinforced to be a respectful guy. So what? Do the right thing anyway. You'll meet your honorable match. Honor attracts honor. Like attracts like.
I feel less sure about this list because I'm coming from the woman's perspective. Did I hit the things guys think about? I don't know. If you think I'm missing something, let me know.
Update:
One of you dudes asked me where to find quality women. Well, I've had women ask me the same thing. So, of course, I created a list for you! Yes indeed, I aim to please. That's me! A people pleaser.
Labels:
Feminism,
Men,
Psychology,
Women
We have seen anecdotal evidence of this in our practice. The most unstable parents seem to have the sickest kids. The young son of a divorced friend of mine with a certifiable ex-wife, would come back from his weekends with mother dearest with headaches, stomaches and colds. He would recover over the next week and a half and get sick after being with his mom. It was an obvious cycle everyone was helpless to interrupt.
Now, there is scientific evidence that the phenomena of stressed parents creating sick kids is, in fact, real:
A core principle in the some of the alternative therapies that I use is that in infants you treat the mother not the child. And certainly, when the children are getting sick because the parents are nervous wrecks, the solution is to go to the root of the problem--helping the parents learn coping skills.A University of Rochester study, reported by New Scientist, found sickness levels were higher in children of anxious or depressed parents.
It also found links between stress and immune system activity in the children.
Labels:
Children,
Family,
Health,
Medicine,
Psychology
This is good news.
Update: Oops! Link fixed.
Labels:
Internet,
Technology
I don't talk about homeschooling or children or diapers or other kid-related stuff much because frankly, blogging is my escape from all of the above. It is the time where I try to learn something new, do something creative and extend my influence beyond these four walls. Plus, in a world where many women have to work, it seems churlish to complain when I have the choice to stay home or work part time (which I do) or work full time.
But my Sister Friend writes eloquently about her experiences as a stay at home mom versus being a working mom. Her conclusion is the same as mine: staying at home is harder. I'll let her explain:
When you stay home you have someone hanging on you every second of every minute of every hour of every day looking to you to meet all of their needs. It is exhausting to be utterly responsible for every whim and desire of a little one.That, my friends, summarizes the challenge of being at home. What I have told my husband is this: On your worst day, when everything goes wrong and no one is happy, you still get paid. On my worst day, when everything goes wrong and no one is happy, I get paid with a worst night, where everything goes wrong and no one is happy. At your job outside the home, getting shit on is metaphorical. At home, it's literal. And puked on, too.
Labels:
Children,
Motherhood
The problem with diagnosing cancer is this: you rarely feel pain until it's too late. You have unexplained weight loss that you welcome. You tire easily. You slow down a bit and adjust but you often don't feel that bad. And when you finally feel pain, it's often too late.
Gaius over at Blue Crab Boulevard notes that 40% of internet activity is cancerous. How long until the body dies?
The botnet problem shows no sign of easing. Security firm Damballa pinpointed 7.3 million unique instances of bots carrying out nefarious activities on an average day in January - an astronomical leap from a daily average of 333,000 in August 2006. That included botnet-delivered spam, which accounted for 91% of all e-mails in early March, up from 64% last June, says e-mail management firm Cloudmark.
Labels:
Internet,
Technology
Barack Obama's mellifluous speech contained more to offend. Here's a question: Why is Obama afraid of showing his white side? Is he embarrassed to be white? Did he feel like he had to attach himself to one identity? Has he always had to prove, like he had to prove at the beginning of the campaign, that he's black enough?
Obama equated his white grandmother's fear of passing a group of black young men with the good Reverend's racism and anti-semitism and anti-Americanism. Nice. Victor Davis Hanson deconstructs the sermon:
Instead, to Obama, the postmodernist, context is everything. We all have eccentric and flamboyant pastors like Wright with whom we disagree. And words, in his case, don’t quite mean what we think; unspoken intent and angst, not voiced hatred, are what matters more.
Rather than account for his relationship with a hate-monger, Obama will enlighten you, as your teacher, why you are either confused or too ill-intended to ask him to disassociate himself from Wright.
The Obama apologia was a “conversation” about moral equivalence. [emphasis added, -ed.]
2) We are all at times racists and the uniquely qualified Obama is our valuable mirror of that ugliness: Wright may say things like “God damn America” or “Dirty Word” Israel or “Clarence Colon,” but then it must be balanced by other truths like Obama’s own grandmother who also expresses fear of black males (his grandmother’s private angst is thus of the same magnitude as Wright’s outbursts broadcast to tens of thousands).I'm liking Obama less every day. I wonder if the general electorate feels this way. It seems that his Democratic nomination for President is assured.
Labels:
Election 08,
Obama,
Race
The newly crowned Democrat New York governor has had multiple affairs and one as recent as this year. Does being a testosterone laden, wandering Type A male go with politics? It seems like politicians are a bit like rock stars. Their lifestyle means traveling away from home a lot. Their lifestyle means meeting lots of people. Their lifestyle means lots of people are hangers-on. They have power and wealth.
And, it seems, women.
A former waitress, now blogger, Cassy Fiano, gives some worthwhile advice about dealing with restaurant service. We've all had atrocious service at a restaurant. I've found that my personal frame of mind matters quite a bit in how I feel about the service. Having kids, we just don't go out much. Our youngest is about a year away from having the patience and attention span to enjoy waiting for food in a nice restaurant. Even still, after a long day, getting ready and going out to eat doesn't appeal much. However, picking up food from take-out always appeals. So, when I do go out with my husband or friends (a rather rare occurrence) there is more pressure to have a nice experience. It's an "experience", it's not just food. Ditto for movies. Nothing irritates me more than a junk movie that I just wasted good time and money seeing.
I don't get out much. I want it to be good when I do get out.
My whole point is that the meal out isn't often just a meal. It has meaning for the people involved. For Cassy, who goes out with her best friends every Monday, the restaurant is the host of a treasured tradition. For another person, who is traveling alone on business, maybe dinner is his only non-pressured, receiving human interaction all day. For the single mother with two kids, this meal might have been saved up for and means no dishes after an exhausting day.
What happens when a patron's tradition or event or interaction or break is met with a tired, upset, miserable, distracted, dull-witted, or apathetic server? Well, these are the times that reveal character. We all know someone who is absolutely embarrassing to take to the restaurant. Never satisfied, they use the opportunity to be an asshole to someone they deem below them. Does something happen when some men hit middle age? A sense of entitlement and general disregard for people translates into harassment at the restaurant. These people are lamentable and deserve copious amounts of saliva in their food.
But there are times when service is bad, and the question is how to deal with it. Cassy discusses some etiquette. Here's a couple rules:
In one particular instance, a kid saw a server coming towards him while carrying a tray loaded with food. The kid purposely stuck out his ankle and tripped the server. She went sprawling all over the carpet, the food was obviously ruined for some other guest, and broken dishes were everywhere. The parents saw the entire thing, and laughed affectionately: "Oh, he's such a little troublemaker!"These parents, like the never-satisfied abusive asshole, are expressing their own hostility through their children. I would be happy if a manager booted these people out. However, what they know and the patron knows, is that this "wronged" person will go tell nine people about his bad experience. Oh well, the nine people friends with the jerk, will probably consider the source or are similar to the miscreant and hopefully won't show up either.
Labels:
America,
Children,
Family,
Pop culture
Hello, forget Obama's luminescence for a moment, the Fed is trying to salvage the economy. Good luck with that.
Labels:
Economy
Do you see what I see? Shelby Steele writes this before Obama's speech today. This is important stuff, people. What is articulated here has been what I've been trying to say for some time:
Now, read Obama's speech with that in mind. Here is what he says:But bargainers have an Achilles heel. They succeed as conduits of white innocence only as long as they are largely invisible as complex human beings. They hope to become icons that can be identified with rather than seen, and their individual complexity gets in the way of this. So bargainers are always laboring to stay invisible. (We don't know the real politics or convictions of Tiger Woods or Michael Jordan or Oprah Winfrey, bargainers all.) Mr. Obama has said of himself, "I serve as a blank screen on which people of vastly different political stripes project their own views . . ." And so, human visibility is Mr. Obama's Achilles heel. If we see the real man, his contradictions and bents of character, he will be ruined as an icon, as a "blank screen."
Thus, nothing could be more dangerous to Mr. Obama's political aspirations than the revelation that he, the son of a white woman, sat Sunday after Sunday -- for 20 years -- in an Afrocentric, black nationalist church in which his own mother, not to mention other whites, could never feel comfortable. His pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, is a challenger who goes far past Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson in his anti-American outrage ("God damn America").
How does one "transcend" race in this church? The fact is that Barack Obama has fellow-traveled with a hate-filled, anti-American black nationalism all his adult life, failing to stand and challenge an ideology that would have no place for his own mother. And what portent of presidential judgment is it to have exposed his two daughters for their entire lives to what is, at the very least, a subtext of anti-white vitriol?
What could he have been thinking? Of course he wasn't thinking. He was driven by insecurity, by a need to "be black" despite his biracial background. And so fellow-traveling with a little race hatred seemed a small price to pay for a more secure racial identity. And anyway, wasn't this hatred more rhetorical than real? [Emphasis added, -ed. This, by the way, was the point I've been trying to make--this racism cant works rhetorically, but the real world where Obama succeeds integrates races.]
Still, this will slide him past the Dem primary voters. For the general, time will tell.Gateway Pundit is not at all impressed:
OH, YEAH! Obama does summon the Dem dream of working class white and black (and brown and yellow) uniting against their oppressive corporate overlords.
A few observations:And Ace has what everyone is missing, as per usual. The MSM will go back into their protection mode:
** "Trinity embodies the black community in its entirety"- Frightening.
** "As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me"- G-Damn right!
** "I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community"- You're done.
** "These people are a part of me. And they are a part of America"- That's G-damned America, thank you.
** Man cannot live on bread alone- add mustard and relish.
Obama had some nice words but will it be enough to heal the damage done by his pastor?
...Doubtful.
Dan Collins, blogging for the perpetually indisposed Jeff Goldstein says this and it's my conclusion too:Who Put the Turtle on the Fence Post? I don't blame Hillary for pushing this story too the press, assuming she did, which I do in fact assume.
What annoys me is the MSM. No Republican could push this very legitimate story to the press because the headline would not be about Wright. The headline would read:
Republican Operatives In Whispering Campaign of Racial Code-Words and Hate
But of course if a liberal in good standing brings the same issue to the press, it's legitimate, and they run the actual story.
Note there is not a bloody word from the press about who brought this to their attention.
The implication seems to be the MSM discovered this on their own, dug it all up, tracked it down with their own dogged determination and love of hard, painstaking detective-work.
This still doesn’t begin to answer why it’s somehow excusable for a pastor to spew demagoguery and outright lies from the pulpit. You want healing? Begin with the truth.And that leads me to my point. Reverse this. Reverse this whole situation. Imagine for a moment that a white man went to a church where it was preached that black people caused AIDs as a conspiracy to kill the race, that the white guy's white power preacher said "God DAMN America", that the preacher married him, baptized his children into hate-filled rhetoric. Just imagine all this. And now imagine the white presidential candidate saying that he refuses to repudiate his pastor because he's like family.
Labels:
Election 08,
Obama,
Race,
Religion
Women claim to want equal rights but then do things in the dating dance that makes them look like immature children. It's annoying. A couple friends, male and female, are experimenting with on-line dating, and based on their experiences all I can think is, what is wrong with people?
Before I get to that, let me say this in a woman's defense: Online dating seems absolutely terrifying to me. I have a couple friends whom I've met exclusively through the internet. I feel like I know them, but do I really? It's unnerving, because in person, this friend might seem totally different. Maybe they'll have wild eye movements or their body language will reveal them to be withholding or deceptive. Not to mention, online you can really like someone--they seem funny and kind, but in person, there is no spark or connection. More than one friend has expressed disappointment after meeting someone in person. So, for a woman, she has those normal feelings everyone has plus, she has to worry about personal safety. How much information do you give? How soon? So, there are realities that are difficult for women.
This post is not going to be an "ain't it awful" post for women, though. Quite the contrary. For the sake of this post, I'm making an assumption that the vast majority of men are good men, just trying to find a woman they connect with and desiring a relationship. I think this assumption is true, by the way. There are players and male sluts, sure, but I think most guys want what most women want--a close, loving, compatible, dependable relationship.
If a woman is going to participate in the dating game, she needs to follow some rules.
1. Say "no" nicely. It takes a tremendous amount of courage for a man to approach a woman, for most guys, anyway. There is no need to be bitchy and dismissive. There is a nice way to say "no" without insulting a guy. For example, say you're with someone else and a guy approaches, say something along the lines, "Wow, thanks for the invitation, but I'm here with someone. Thank you anyway." Now, some men don't want to get the point. A woman can still be polite and firm.
2. Mean what you say. If you say you want to talk, mean it. That means answering the phone. If you say you want to go on a date, mean it. That means showing up. If you are not sure how you feel, say it and mean it. If you want to be in a relationship with this guy or you see a possible future, how does dishonesty build toward that? Be honest.
3. Avoid the "L" and "M" words. Good grief. People say the word "love" way too much and too early. And marriage? You're saying the "M" word and you just met him three weeks ago? Um, no. Don't say it. Even if you feel it, keep it to yourself. It will save your dignity, if nothing else. More than that, it puts pressure on the budding relationship.
4. Don't have sex on the first, second or third date. Don't. If the relationship has a chance, sex complicates it right away. If the relationship is a no go, sex connects you to a guy you don't want to be connected with. Yes, I'm old-fashioned. But sex is more than a physical collision, it's a spiritual connection and an energy exchange. Are you sure you want to give your energy to that guy and that guy and that guy? And how will you feel when the energy isn't returned? And for the more serious relationships, will you doubt the emotional and intellectual connection you have because you've introduced sex so soon? Will you worry that he just wants you so he can get laid? Yes, you will worry about that. So save it. (And yes, this is very unfeminist advice, but feminists don't seem to understand how a man's mind works at all. And for all their sexual liberation, feminists seem enslaved to their bodies--they have reduced women to a standard held by the worst sort of slutty man. This is what women fought for? Please.)
5. Get a life. Why do women turn into simpering fools when a man enters their lives? Keep on living girl. Be "you" and be the best you and keep on motoring. A guy worth you will not be intimidated by your success, he'll be impressed by it. The guy who wants a needy, clingy creature has his own issues that you won't want once you manage to find your self-respect.
6. Vulnerable is not needy. All humans are vulnerable. To ever have a true connection with someone, the guard has to come down eventually. Pretending to be a fortress, will just make you look one-dimensional. So it's OK to express concerns or fears, just do it after there is a report there. And mirror his willingness to share. That is, don't pour out your life story on the first date if his deepest reveal has been that he owns a pet Schnausser. It's give and take.
7. Leave the baggage for later. The first time you meet someone is not the time to kvetch about your exes. It's kinda like going to a job interview and bitching about your old boss. It makes it seem like you're the problem and demonstrates an inability to be respectful. Newsflash, ladies! Your relationship woes have a common link--you. The new guy doesn't need to hear it.
8. Have fun. Must this be a mission? Must every phone call, IM, text, date and other communication be part of a master plan? Now, a guy friend of mine told me, "At this point Melissa, I'm not dating, it's a job interview." For him, it's a bit more serious. His wife died and he has a child, so he doesn't want to fool around with foolish women. Still and all, dating is meant to be fun and putting too much pressure on the process can rob you of the joy inherent in getting to know new people.
9. Express gratitude. Show it in small and big ways. For example, a married friend of mine had this simple test for a woman. He said it revealed her character, and he told me this after I had passed, by the way. Oh! The pressure! He would open the door for the lady. She would get in. In the olden days, locks popped up and weren't automatic and had to be unlocked on both sides. If she leaned over and unlocked the door for him, she was a keeper. Sitting there and not helping, got her one short date. For him, it was a demonstration of kindness that revealed an attitude. That seemed a tad excessive to me, but a sense of entitlement is repugnant. If he opens the door, say "thank you". If he buys dinner, say "thank you". Even if the conversation was flat, the night was a bust, appreciate that there was effort made.
10. You are not obligated. Just because a guy calls, or asks you out, or wants you, you are not obligated to him. A man's sense of entitlement is as repulsive as a woman's. A girl friend's mother said, "You can always say, 'I have plans'". You can say that. You can say, "Thank you for your interest, but I am not interested in dating you." Being straight and honest with a person is a whole lot kinder than stringing a guy along.
11. Being a flirt is fine. Being a tease is wrong. Know the difference. Flirting and having fun and enjoying a person's company is part of the excitement of male-female relations. Being a tease is just selfish and lame. Don't lead a guy on when you have no intention of following through. Don't give the impression you're into him and then blow him off like he doesn't have human feelings.
This is a lot of rules, but what it comes down to, to me, is treating someone else the way you'd like to be treated. Men might be from Mars, but they're still humans. All the male-bashing that goes on is offensive. One of my least favorite commercials features a guy ordering a pizza which will come in 30 minutes. He asks his wife for sex and she bats her eyes and asks, "What are we going to do for the other 28 minutes?" It's meant to be funny, but it just seems like more of the same disparaging of men.
Men aren't the enemy. They are lovely creatures. Sometimes strange and exotic, but always interesting. They deserve respect until they've proven themselves to be unworthy of respect and even then, treating any person with respect and kindness is a winning proposition. Because ultimately, it's you who you have to live with whether you end up with a man or not.
So I get an invitation to blog for a Leftist, "progressive" blog site that doubles as a social networking site. Hmmm..... Interesting. I go check it out. The tag line is "truth to power". And this is what I found on page one. Wilty says:
A couple thoughts:"It is upon us..." I was hit by this Shakespearean emptor as I got into bed last night, after an appallingly awful day; this one being, not any different from the others, in the Bush Empire, I continually find myself struggling in. Upon awakening this morning, the gloom and pall still hover around my head, just as an ice fog does here, almost unremittingly so, in this winter without seeming end.
Yesterday, today, and no doubt, tomorrow, I will continue on, with the incessant shrill drone of Hillary Rodham
Clinton's voice in my ears-a-ringin', extolling her constant blatherings about her PLANS, her MANAGEMENT
expertise, her EXPERIENCE, blah, blah,
yadda, yadda, blah! And, let us not forget her attack ads, racist innuendo and Islamaphobia wreaking through and through her, her dirty Repug-wannabe style, tricks. "Enough," I say, but
now the Greek Punditry Choir, joins in, with their constant jabbing, sticking, and poking at anything or anybody that bespeaks of "vision," or "hope." Nothing, but the "Conventional Wisdom," is acceptable, here, in the Mansion that Bush Built!So, here I am, as many of you, too are, wondering when the madness will stop?
Here, the Democrats, as if right on schedule, are priming themselves up, BIG TIME, to again snatch the defeat from the jaws of victory. It is as if, that the Neocon spies have infiltrated, undetected, the campaign headquarters of Princess Hillary AND the "YES, WE CAN - but probably won't" Poster Boy, and are wreaking such incredible damage,
that all I see and hear now, amongst the Democrat citizenry, are fear, dejection and the real beginnings of internecine warfare - the spats, the back biting, the bursts of unwarranted
rage.
Labels:
Leftists,
Progressives
I just wanted to be the first to predict that he's over. It was a good run while it lasted.
*****
Of course, as my brother said, he's running against Hillary Clinton, so anyone is going to be in that race 'til the end.
Cross-posted at Right Wing News.
Labels:
Election 08,
Obama
