I'm Not Japing You

This link goes out to a reader, you know who you are, who loves the word "jape" and has just been waiting to see it actually used in the real world. Gotta love the BBC! Those Brits know a good word when they look it up in their thesaurus.

Random Stuff You Need To Know

Banning smoking increases drunk driving? Ace says, "Eh, most studies are wrong but this is annoying."

There have been arguments over women in combat. This woman is a S.W.A.T. officer--in fact, she's one of the first.

Obama isn't a regular guy and his 37 bowling score kinda proves it. Hell, I think even I could beat that score. Can a non-regular elite guy get elected to President? Do we even want a guy who can't relate to the common American becoming President?

In a related item, the economy will probably be the biggest deal for the new President--that, and keeping Americans from being killed by psychopathic terrorists--and so, who do you think is most qualified to deal with this? I come up with a big donut on all three candidates. Sigh. Mama has some economic thoughts and they're good ones, as usual.

Want to help me? I don't beg for money, even though I could really use it to justify my sad existence here. But what I really, really want is for you to help my friend who is starting an awesome business. It's called Wing and A Prayer jewelry. Right now, they have prayer bracelets for all occasions, but what they're going to come out with and I'm totally psyched to tell you first, is that they'll have prayer bracelets for the families and friends of those in the armed services. The bracelets will reflect the colors of each branch. 10% of the sale of each bracelet will go to a charity. When I know which one, I'll tell you. The owners of this company, Jay and Denise, are the best sort of people. I just love them! Love them! Please support them!

Also, and this is not happy news, a friend of mine found out that his six year old son has cancer. His son is named Gunner. Please pray for him and his family. You can find more out about their story at Caring Bridge. I remember the days in the hospital with my own sons and looking out the windows and seeing happy people and wondering if I would ever be happy like that again. I am happy again, but there is an awareness that never leaves. Quite apart from our own superficial world, people struggle with their loss and grief and illness in hospitals and homes. Time is stopping for them or time is too short. Life is distorted through the hazy glass of pain and medicine and fear. What people need during these times is practical love--money and letters and groceries and food and maybe a housekeeper. Those shows of caring mean everything. Gunner's dad is a cop. His life is service to the community. Please pray for them all.

Links For Sex Scandal Rocks The Internet

Cyber sex usually means virtual sex, talking dirty from afar or what have you. Internet nerds aren't known for actually copulating. They just talk about it a lot. A lot. So, it is an absolute shock that two people I've considered friends have been swapping bodily fluids for the all important link--the life bread of the blogosophere.

Now, I was fairly sure that Cassy was slutty. I mean, it's kinda axiomatic. She's a woman. She's (or was) a conservative woman. She seems to enjoy submitting to the dominant white male patriarchy. Frankly, her professed love for conservative men made me a little sick. I wasn't alone. She claims to have changed her ways. Does she really think going lesbian will cover her true deviant desires for dominating, conservative, white males? Please.

But John Hawkins, conservative blogger and opinion maker on the right lowering himself. He's worse than Eliot Spitzer. How dare he criticize the leftist sex fiends like Bill Clinton, Barney Frank and old Eliot. And now, he's finally following his dream. Forget politics and turn toward his slutty love. His new website is Celebrity Slut Puppies.

Evil Bunnies and Other Vile Creatures Destroying Your Garden

A friend of my friend Lorne wrote an email describing his woes in the garden. Lorne, who wrote here last week, gardens and keeps chickens. He views himself as a renaissance man in the vein of Thomas Jefferson. He's a dabbler. Lawyer, writer, gardener, hen-house owner, etc. His daily difficulties give me great mirth as I picture him sloshing through the mud and snow (it's Michigan post-winter, pre-spring) defending the worthless birds from the neighbor's dog and most of the times, themselves. Lorne's friend, lawyer Michael Edmunds share's his own difficulties with mother nature. I hope you laugh as much as I did.

***************

More importantly, I hate rabbits. I don't believe god actually created them. I'm convinced they are Satan's evil minions, born of the dark, and designed to make life so miserable that we give up our souls in exchange for relief from their torment.

They have destroyed both my apple trees, reaching further than I had imagined possible. They stripped every limb up to about 4 feet above the ground. At first I thought I had Barry Bonds' pet rabbit in my yard, and I became afraid that if I tried to keep him out, he would fly into a roid rage and attack me. But Ben told me they can reach a lot higher in the winter bec of the snow. I have to do something, but not sure what.

I am becoming resigned to an ugly fence. I don't have the time or money for a nice one, and I'm not convinced there is such a thing anyway. On the other hand, I can't go another year without fencing or I will lose my 4 year old investment in time and money in grapes, blueberries, and apples. The little bastards have even been chewing on the lattice I put up last year, which was all nice and freshly stained, but now has big bite marks all over it. That was just mean. They didn't even eat it--just chewed it up.

Everyone knows that squirrels are right behind rabbits on the hierarchy of demonic beings. Like socks, they can apparently reproduce a-sexually. Furthermore, unless you cut off their heads, they can't be killed . Sometimes I hear this haunting voice at night, which says "there can be only one!"

I have shot them so many times with my pellet gun (which has a muzzle velocity greater than most .22s) that I would have expected them to be dead from lead poisoning by now, not to mention the gaping round hole through their furry little hides. Yet after falling many feet from the top of pine trees, telephone pole, and power lines, they inevitably jump up, scamper away. Then they reappear a couple of days later, even stronger than before, with no apparent effect except for the foresight to run away long before I can get within pellet gun range.

They raid my bird feeder daily, to the detriment of "wanted" guests like cardinals. I left a baited trap, which they tripped, but it can't hold them. Like Houdini, the cage can't hold them for longer than a few minutes. They make a horrible racket, tear up the ground under the cage, attack the cage with fierce determination and brute strength, and get away every time. Unlike Houdini, they also piss all over the place every time they get caught. Instead of a trapped squirrel, I end up with a bare spot of dirt or mud where the grass used to be, a bent cage, a stench of urine that seems to linger for days, but no squirrel.

I enclosed the feeder in metal, but they reinforced their teeth with addamantium, and promptly chewed through the metal. I moved the feeder from the tree, where they would hang upside down from pine needles, like Bulgarian acrobats. I bought a metal pole and anchored it in the ground, with the bird feeder on top. Defying gravity and other principles of physics including surface tension and friction, they climb straight up, not even slipping, where they sit and feast on my bird seed in plain sight of the kitchen table, to the delight of all but me. I greased the pole with Vaseline, enduring the shocked looks of the clerks at Walmart, who had never met someone who needed such a large vat of Vaseline for any purpose not associated with self gratification. They then proved that the evolutionary link between their winged, South American cousins, leaping from my deck to the top of the feeder without touching the pole. I didn't even get the satisfaction of watching one try to climb the newly slathered pole.

I have decided to escalate the conflict, at the risk of achieving a Pyrrhic victory. For example, If I place a rat trap in the bird feeder, do I merely endanger the birds, or will the squirrels chew through my hose (again) and try to flood my basement? I might run leads from my circuit breaker to the metal pole that supports the feeder, and spread peanut butter on the feeder, but how many of my children will remain to help me celebrate when the first squirrel finally begins sending smoke signals to the others about the dangers of screwing with me? I considered lacing the bird feed with ball bearings, and buying a huge electromagnet from ACME, but it never seemed to work for Wile E. Coyote, so I became discouraged.

I only have one idea left, so I have to make it count: guerilla warfare. I plan to dig a deep hole all around the pole from which the bird feeder is hanging, and bury punjii sticks which have been dipped in feces. Then I will cover the hole with small sticks and spread mulch over the sticks to disguise the hole. If necessary, I will also spread walnuts all over the mulch. I'm sure it can't fail.

Good luck. call when spring stops playing jokes on us and is actually here, so we can commiserate about our yards.

Aw, Too Cute YouTube of the Day

My friend's son has learned to walk. He's easin' on down the road. Check it out:

What Does It Mean To Be A Friend?

What is a friend? This definition seems good to me and describes a beloved few in my life:

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin

I am what you could call selectively social. That is, in my private life, I have a few, intense, long-time friends rather than a vast collective of "networks". Some formative experiences caused me to be rather slow to trust and so, even people who consider me their friend often don't know a good part of who I am for a very long time, if ever.

Thankfully, I've been fortunate enough to accumulate friends over the years. There are the childhood friends who grew up with me back in the day. There is my High School friend. And there are the college friends. And then there are the Chiropractic college friends. And then there are my siblings who I am happy to now count as friends. In adulthood, as a doctor, making friends has been more challenging, but there are a couple doctors who are friends. It's a time thing, really. And I do have some friends now whose company and whose money I enjoy taking on a frequent basis.

Now, there are many people I consider "friends"--that broad category of people who are better-than-acquaintances level. And this is where things get dicey. For me, an acquaintance is like a business acquaintance, someone we've met but not someone we count as a friend or know that well. An acquaintance would not be, say, a friend we've lost contact with, however. That person would be a long-lost friend, who is just waiting to be reconnected. Unfortunately, I've allowed too many friendships like that wane. And with the advent of the internet, it has been possible to reconnect and rebuild.

In the blog world, I've made some acquaintances. Do these, mostly women, consider me a friend or an acquaintance? It's not a real "knowing" is it, communicating via email or reading someone's blog or even briefly chatting on the phone? In fact, I've been surprised a couple times when the voice didn't match the content. And, as it turns out, I've surprised others the same way. Such is the nature of the blog world.

A friend of mine suggested that I diminish the notion of friendship by calling so many people friends. I responded by saying that I felt truly fortunate and did indeed have many friends. For me, a friend fits this definition:

A true friend loves me despite my faults. She shows that love by keeping confidences and giving true advice and just listening. If I needed him or her, this person would come the instant I called. That instant, he or she would get on a plane, and come and be here with me, if it were at all possible. In absence of that, a friend would give me love, time, money, or whatever I needed to survive.

Well, that does shorten the list of friends now that I think about it, but I still think that I have more people who are true friends, than I probably deserve.

How about you? What is your definition of a friend?

Speak My Language

How rare is a good friend? When we're young, we take for granted the blood bonds forged through shared hardship or careless joy. Some of us are lucky enough to have people who stay with us throughout our life phases and know us, really know us. For some, it's our siblings. My sister and brother lurched through childhood right along with me and even for as much as we annoy one another, no one gets it like they do.

It's a common language, really. It's the space between words and the unspoken emotion behind them, that binds and connects. And, as we age, we realize that this commonality is rare and special. Some people never, in their whole life, feel fully understood and loved anyway, for all the faults. Most of us, though, are fortunate. We have known that safety and solace, comfort and grace that love, unconditional, and language, perfectly understood, provides.

A friend such as this shared this video with me. I hope it inspires you, like it has me.

Gift Buying

I'm currently typing on one of these and it is NICE. I highly recommend this keyboard. The old keyboard's clunkiness was one of the few complaints I had about the old keyboard. This new one is amazing.


I had told everyone I'd link to my favorite things. Well, you can still get your stuff by Christmas if you order now. Here's some other things I love.

For my iPhone, I wanted something wireless for the car. A recent birthday gift was the Jawbone and it's fantastic. For me, the ear pieces are important. I have little ears and many ear buds just fall out which is so annoying. The Jawbone has an ergonomic bud that I really like and it stays on the ear. They have different colors, but this is the classic black.


Again, in the tech department (where I like to stay), this is a nice gift for the one you love. Heck, if you're feeling generous, buy me one.


Any of James Lilek's books are good conversation starters that are both funny and socially acceptable (as opposed to the Post Secret books which are downers and riské). His latest one covers disgusting cuisine. Buy it for mom!
And buy Post Secret for the gay cousin who thinks he's still in the closet and that no one knows. Newsflash, bub, they know.

Words to the wise: Don't buy undergarments, nighties, or any other articles of clothing that someone might deem too personal. Clothing is, in fact, personal. And unless it's your girlfriend, stay away from lingerie and perfume.

Ann Althouse made the comment one time that presents say a lot about what the person giving them thinks about you. And it is fascinating to analyze the message the gift-giver is sending to the giftee. Keep in mind, that when you send a gift, you're sending a message. Be self-aware enough to know that.

Stationary is good, unless it seems you're trying to bully someone into writing. A well-chosen book is always a winner. Tickets to a sporting even or some other life experience can be great.

And don't be afraid of gift-cards. Really. A well-chosen gift card can mean a lot to someone. (Thanks, sis, for the iTunes gift card.)

For new parents, I'll share my favorites, too. This is the stroller every parent should have: it's light, it reclines so the baby can nap, the handles are high enough, it's sturdy, did I mention that it's light? It can take a beating, too. Ours has been everywhere from Disney to New York and looks brand new. The wheel mechanism is fantastic. The stroller feels stable for the baby.

Get this accessory, too, as there aren't cup holders.

When the baby is born, buy this. The Butt Paste is the absolute best for protecting baby's behind. The stuff lasts and it smells great (watch out, though, the kid might try to eat it.)

I reviewed this before, but I still love it! Love it more, actually, the more I use it. These whisper-quiet clean machines are amazing. Buy one!


My sister has one of these and swears by it. If anyone is feeling generous..... I'd actually like one. They look great.


OK, this is getting longish. Just some ideas. I find picking out gifts to be so much fun. It's a delight to make the perfect match.

I'm Like So Totally NOT Popular

I live to make the list.

Prayers Needed

A friend, professional dancer, and teacher to my children lays in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. The condition she had and the surgery could mean an end to her career. She is a beautiful person inside and out and I'm asking my dear readers to pray for her full recovery.

Her name is Liza and she is a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend. She has two small children and many people who need her. Thanks for the good thoughts!

Glynn Washington Won At NPR!!

My friend Glynn, for whom some of you voted in the NPR competition, won first place! He is now putting together a show pilot and pitching it to NPR brass. Here's to his future success! Thank you all for helping him.

I jokingly said that he could do an exposé on the "mind of a conservative" that dark, and scary place. Fair and balanced at NPR and all that. We'll see what happens.

Still enjoying my hiatus. I'm having a blog-stential crisis. It always happens when I go away for a while. I start asking questions like, "Why am I blogging?", "What use is it all?", "No one gives a hot dam what I think, this is ridiculous."

Glynn Washington, NPR Superstar!

I have a childhood friend who now lives in Oakland, California. He is one of the smartest guys I know, kind, funny as heck and fun to be around. Well, he's in this NPR competition to get a radio show. He's a finalist and doing fantastic. He is as far to the West of me politically as I am to the East, but I have many friends like that. It keeps things interesting and spicy. What we have in common is more important: we want to keep America the greatest place in the world.

Would you please help me by helping him win a show on NPR? Here's the link. You need to register to vote.

Go, Glynn, go!

Kidney Stones

I visit The Anchoress every day, a couple times of day, hoping there is something new and exciting. What can I say? I'm a blog taker. There are a couple blogs that are so excellent, so funny and interesting, so informative that I'd pay for them. The Anchoress is one of them.

Well, due to a tired spirit and a pain-wracked body (kidney stones and the infections they cause bring mind-bending pain) she hasn't been posting as much. She has been considering what it all means. She has described being sick of the political sphere and unwilling to engage the Presidential campaign. She needed a break.

I'm an Anchoress groupie. Her inward reflection and outward lack of blogging has been painful for me. Almost as painful as a kidney stone, maybe worse. I've been going through withdrawals. Starved for common sense and wry insight, I've been thinking banal thoughts and pondering unanswerable questions. I'm getting duller-witted by the day. The more I try to think about it, the more I think her kidney stones are just selfish!

This is a formal Get Well Soon post to the Anchoress. Please, get well, blog friend. I don't know how long I can last.

And I'm not alone. The web gets dumber by the day.

Most People Don't Use Keys To Happiness

And the keys are there to use!

• Gratitude
• Forgiveness
• Make friends

There's more ideas here.

Aaron Update

Aaron's first day back at work, no neck thingy, was today!!! How great is that? All goes well. Rhonda watched Little Toot for me for a couple hours this morning and we chatted.

Aaron is turning his head. Steve and I were talking about it tonight. Aaron is going to have full range of motion back in his neck. Do you get what a miracle that is?

A miracle.

New Guest Bloggers

I wish to warmly welcome two guest bloggers who will keep the place hummin' while I'm gone. They are awesome people with great blogs of their own.

Maxed Out Mama the incognito Georgia economist in banking and a specialist in real estate will be gracing you with her very prominent presence. She has an interesting background that some of my readers might like knowing about--she is a survivor of traumatic brain injury. Amazing. There are at least three of my regular readers who have experienced the same. Mama has tremendous insight and lots to share.

Gina Cobb is a lawyer and mom from California who is just coming up on her first year in blogging (just a tad less than me). Her focus is politics and world events. She has funny takes and interesting links. She will help expand your blog-horizons.

I am profoundly grateful to these women for a couple of reasons. 1) They are helping me in my time of need 2) They are helping me even though we have never met face to face and 3) They give me hope.

Why do they give me hope? Do you ever wonder, as the world goes mad, if you're the only one who believes certain values and holds important ideals dear? Maybe you're not as narcissistic as me (in fact, that's probably a given), but I wonder. And then I read their blogs and other people like them and know that I'm not completely, ideologically alone. (I do have one quibble with Mama. She believes the flu epidemic is going to come home to roost *cough*--couldn't help myself--here soon. I'm not so sure.)

Anyway, please enjoy. I'll be cruisin' the Carribean, so pray that were safe from pirates, rogue waves or a last minute hurricane. Hey! Ya never know.

Back on the 15th.

Aaron Gets Un-Screwed

Does that sound painful to you? According to first-hand accounts, having the wire bars unscrewed from Aaron's head hurt like screws being pulled out of one's skull. It got worse, the source says. He had to put his neck into flexion and extension for an X-ray to determine if the joint was stable.

Owwwwwwww!

There is very, very good news to reprt: his neck continues to heal and he now is the proud owner of a very hard neck brace. He can wear a different one to take a shower. Remember, he hasn't had a full shower for over three months. Yes, I'm sure it is vile. Me wonders if he has indulged in a bath yet. Hmmm... Time for a phone call. Just a sec......

Okay, just got off the phone with the former Dr. Wileystein. Here's the news:

1. His neck is sore. He is moving a lot to get into postitions that feel better.
2. He has big, gaping holes in his head. He says it looks like a giant snake bit his head and left venom holes. I told him I'd be right over to take some cool pictures. Yeah, I know, it's gross. It's kinda like giving birth, though. All that pain and misery and surrealness needs to be captured otherwise it becomes a misty water-colored memory.
3. He has NOT taken a shower or otherwise immersed himself in a bath. He needs to protect the venom holes so they don't get infected. Fair enough. Maybe I'll postpone the visit a few days.
4. He watched Million Dollar Baby the night before the appointment. Coincidentally, he had to fill out his Living Will before the appointment. How ominous is that? Thankfully, Rhonda didn't see it.
5. He's in good spirits and feels optimistic. More friends/family visiting this week so they will have company again. Everyone is back to being healthy (kids had snotty stuff).

Here's to hoping that the Wiley clan is beginning to look at this epidsode of their lives in the rear-view mirror. They are all changed permanently, no doubt.

For fun, I created a website using the whole iMac stuff for the Wiley family. There are more pictures and all the previous posts in one place. I'll add to it as I have more time. Buwahahaha! Okay, I'll add a post here and there and add the pictures. Let me know what you think. It will be a kind of permanent archive to the whole ordeal.